Day #11

I am thankful that I haven't shaved my head yet and that my hair is slowly but surely growing its way out!

Thankful #4-10 (Falls Church YL, Blankets, K&Z... Parents)

Unfortunately, I haven't kept up with my daily log of thankful posts. With the hectic pace my life moves at and the recent move/ lack of interent I've resulted to MORE tardiness. I don't exactly remember what happened on all the days I've missed so far- but I do have a slue of things that I can account to being thankful for.

#4 I am thankful for Kyra and Zoe, I remember the early months of summer, debating wether or not  working at Sweet Water, going to school and nannying would be the best option for me. I thought  that dropping the nannying gig would be the best thing for my sanity- but I am SO thankful I never went through with that foolish decision. The past 5 months with K & Z has restored in me a new meaning of what it means to love someone and to be apart of something.  I begged my parents for years to give me a little sister or brother, when I finally got one through marriage and then lost her my idea of what it meant to be a sister and more importantly a family crumbled. Thankfully I have been so graciously blessed to receive two little sisters who I love so tenderly and would walk to the ends of the earth for. Who annoy me till I'm blue in the face and push my buttons like it's their job but I wouldn't have it any other way and I am constantly reminded of what a gift it is to be apart of the journey that they are experiencing- growing up and into the spectacular women I have no doubt that they'll become.

#5 I am thankful for Selma, Forrest, Anna and Reece. Without their sacrificial, selfless love the high schooler's that I've come to know and adore would not be who they are or where they are. Each member of my team is so very different and has taught me all the various ways one can love, teach and grow- for this I am ever grateful. Some of the biggest challenges and life molding experiences I have witnessed at the humble and brokenness of my very unique team. Thank you.

#6 I am thankful for jackets, heaters and blankets. ESPECIALLY since I am always chilly, freezing or shivering. There are so many of those who don't know the comfort of warmth, so many who will suffer this winter and I am so incredibly sadden and unquestionably thankful.

#7 I am thankful for the girls and boys who I have had the privilege of getting to know at Falls Church High School. The impact that you have had on the destiny of my future and life is irreversible. Your stories have touched me deeply and given me a second chance at living a meaningful and worth-wild life. Thank you for your openness, willingness to trust, to love even though its hard and scary but most of all your laughter and eagerness to be apart of something much bigger then yourselves. I adore you all so very much and am endlessly, endlessly thankful for you- what a joy and gift your life is.

#8 I am thankful for my parents- Mum, Dad & Melanie. Your love has taught me what it means to be myself. Though my path has eroded a road unlike any you dreamt up for me, I am thankful and blessed to have your support. Thank you for listening while I scream and cry, for loving me even when I fail and encouraging me to keep on fighting. Though I know, life didn't turn out like any of your planned it I am so grateful and truly touched that I get the opportunity to live, love and call you mine.

#9 I am thankful that I can be thankful. I see and talk to many people whose hearts have become hard and stubborn (even more stubborn then my own) and I am renewed and content that I can see the worth  in such a seemingly worthless word.

#10 TWO WORDS- sloppy swish

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/mokiki/1423635/

Thoughts that stream at 2am.

How INCREDIBLY selfish am I, that day in and day out I take my insecurities out on the ones I love most. As I sit back and watch it slowly erode into my relationships and effect others negatively. Why is it that I go to people for healing, closure and acceptance when the only place I can find those are in my relationship with God? Why do I doubt the game changing power of God? Why is it that I've made up my mind that there are places and relationships in my life He will never be able to reach and heal?

I just read this horribly inspiring quote by Alphonse Karr, Some people grumble because roses have thorns; I am thankful that the thorns have roses. How beautiful is that.

And unfortunately, I am living in the disposition of that of the one who grumbles at the beautiful rose with thorns. Though I desperately wish I was one that was THANKFUL that the awful thorns have such beautiful roses. For isn't that what I am? An ugly, painful, eye sore of a thorn and on a good day I have maybe one and if I'm lucky two, roses?

I want so much out of this life and so much out of the people I'm living life with, but I forget so easily that I don't get to decided when things change for others, or when life happens to find them. Why do I love people who don't see all of their potential, beauty and worth? It's becoming so painful and frustrating.

But I need to learn to love the thorns, because I know that they already have such beautiful roses. And I can't wait for the rest of the world to turn their grumblings into thankfulness.

Broken Things and Thankful things

Day #3

You can have my heart
Though it isn't new
It's been used and broken
And only comes in blue
It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
If I give it to you will you make it clean
And wash the shame away

You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my life if you don't mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart

So beyond repair
Nothing I could do
I tried to fix it myself
But it was only worse when I got through
Then you walked into my darkness
And you speak words so sweet
And you hold me like a child
Till my frozen tears fall at your feet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBoja2eDDe0

Sometimes, I find myself listening to this song when things in my life feel very out of control or lost. Julie Miller has a beautiful and simple way of summing up a couple rough places in my heart. Her song Broken Things, which is mentioned above, resonates with the rejected, abandoned and fearful part of my soul. Versus like You can have my heart, if you don't mind broken things or So beyond repair. Nights like tonight I feel broken and beyond repair, as if the pain of my past will always haunt my future. But I also am aware of the hope in her lyrics Then you walked into my darkness, And you speak words so sweet. And in the same instance am aware that I have the choice to not let the past control my actions. It is just very hard some nights... what really gets to me is that there is so much joy, happiness and love to my past. It's unfair that a couple of bad days can really effect someone for the rest of their life. I honestly just wish I had some sort of closure, its taken me 3 years to not feel bitter. But there is such sadness and confusion that I wish was resolved.

I am thankful for the opportunity to have been loved deeply and to have loved deeply and though it pains me, I am thankful my step father left. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and hopeful that the jaded parts of my heart will soften. I am thankful that I have 3 other parents who love me and pray that they won't ever abandon me. I  am also hopeful that one day I wont have to pray that the ones I love wont leave me.

Thankful even with a runny nose.

Day 2 a day late and so it goes!

 I am so thankful for the ability to take a sick day and just veg out. I'm thankful for good health (comparatively to many) and for the resources to seek medical care. I think even on my worst day, I've got it made. Parents who love and will do anything to make me comfortable as well as friends and family who never cease support. Feeling drained, achey, sore and moldy these past couple of days has made me long for weightless energy- something that I take for granted on most days. What a gift- GREAT health even in the midst of bad health.

Thankful for Meghan with an H.

I've never dedicated each day of the month to writing something I'm thankful for- so here's a shot at appreciating a life a bit more!

I am thankful for the ability to reconnect with old friends and for the freedom of heart to have forgotten why they became "old." The photo above is one of my favorite photos from Meghan. Or very famously known during that time period (2008) as Prettyboy. Lots of things have changed since we were 9 and 10 years old, for starters we both couldn't stand each-other when I moved to the top of our Oak Hollow culdesac. But I am so thankful to say that we've walked so much of life together already and have grown from rough little tomboys into young women. I couldn't of asked for a better time for our paths to cross once more and for the chance to create a deep friendship with her- again. 

So thankful & blessed. 2nd chances are my favorite kind of sweetness.

For the sake of red, hats and scarfs.

One of my favorite end of the summer days with these girl

Boys in Vests

Boys in Vests

Boys in Vests

Road Trip/ Life's an Adventure

Love, love, love this girl

new house, purity rings, needs job & mentor...

I once received a card from my step mum Melanie that said, "Nothing happens, and nothing happens, and then everything happens." I was 16 at the time, and on average nothing happened, and then everything decided to happen all at once. I'm still mending back the splittered pieces of 16 and I figure I'll be doing that for a couple more years but the wildly adventurous part of re-piecing something, is that you get to decided what you're going to create.

In the last 8 months my life has very much felt like a slow move with very little progress, while all along my chapters were just beginning to develop. Such as moving back home, building a relationship with Reece, spending my summer with Kyra and Zoe, and of course becoming a Young Life leader for Falls Church. I'm amazed, frankly in awe when I think of how back in March things felt very much like they did when Melanie gave me that card 3 years ago- but now instead of mending and collecting pieces of myself that are no longer whole, I've been given the choice and freedom to instead write the rest of my story.

Lets start with my new community; Back in June I was desperately seeking a community of young women to live and build life long relationships with. Unfortunately I had a couple strikes against me,  being at a community college for one, living in Northern Virginia ($$$) as well as wanting to live with women who could support me in a deep and loving way (lets be honest, until recently I was pretty friendless..) But after much thought, deliberation and pleading on my hands and knees sobbing to God... Hahaha...  I was asked by the one and only Julia Long if I would be interested in living with her, Christy, Hannah and Robyn! Of course the house is literally one street away from Falls Church High School and 2 away from Reece. Even if I wanted to imagine the perfect living situation, it wouldn't come close to the one I'm about to move into. November 11th, here we come!

In regards to my relationship with Reece, we have pulled through another month, or should I say, he has survived another month ;-)))) Since you last read about us much has changed. Both of us growing intertwined as we figure out life, love, laughter and God. In the last few weeks we've decided that we're going to get purity rings, interchanged as promise rings. I've been having a really hard time with this concept because the culture I've grown up in has had different values. In high school, I would laugh and mock at the thought or action of a purity/promise ring. But I am so tired of the way people view sex, marriage and love in our culture. I am so fed up, discouraged and hurt by the way the media has brainwashed young women into believing their worth is in their body and physical appearances. As well as the families that are continuously falling apart each day. So in great rebellion against the rest of the world, I am excited and nervous, but more excited. And I am so lucky that I get to build a relationship with someone who views my worth in a unique way, one that goes against the social norms and against the grain. I always have been a girl of strange and odd ways-

So the story goes, my season of in-between odd jobs continues or ends, I'm not entirely sure as this past Friday, I was let go from my current gig. I'll be completely honest, I wasn't the least bit happy there and am so very glad to be let go and have the opportunity to find an environment where I can thrive or at least feel productive. This would be a key example of how I so seriously live my life in flux. We will see where I'm meant to end up next and until then, I'm not worried nor bothered. Because I always seem to find myself right where I'm supposed to be.

Stay tuned... I've been hoping to find a mentor in recent months and received an email from a woman who loves dresses with pockets and world missions! I will be enjoying live conversation with her this Thursday evening.

Nothing happens, and nothing happens, and then everything happens.

Friend Zone.

As I was heading to class this morning, I found myself glancing at the various pockets of students congregating among the campus, catching up from the weekend, savoring the cool air over coffee and providing company as they walked to class. It dawned on me that I am indeed currently friendless. I say this statement very loosely, because I do have friends just none that are local that I can call up to pal around with.  Honestly, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud as I thought about how absolutely true this is and also because I wouldn’t even know the first place to go to find friends.

SIDE NOTE: I am completely and totally more than satisfied and overjoyed with how my current situation is playing out. I am endlessly busy and always surrounded with people whom I love and care for deeply. So I am in no means complaining about the lack of love, enrichment and fun that spirals through my daily activities.

But with all of that said, I don’t have any girlfriends who live in the area and I spend 50% of my time with children/high school kids and the other 50% with family. And while I have everything I could ask for, I shamefully miss the company of a friend whom I can spend time, share and solve problems and grow to be life long friends with.

I don’t know if I’d even have time to hang out with friends between 2-year-old duty, soccer mom status, young life, bible study, school and all my other odd ends. Though the idea is VERY enticing.

Thought to be continued…

Misconception of a High Schooler: GREATEST INVENTION

I was fighting my way to the gym lobby yesterday afternoon when I came to the conclusion that teenagers are probably the weirdest inventions ever to walk the earth. It's a funny conclusion, seeing as I technically am still considered a "teenager." So maybe I'll redirect my conclusion to specifially high schoolers . Among them being the weirdest inventions- I'd have to also say they're the most awkward, unapproachable, and sometimes very smelly of all the other types of creatures that dance and sing and pass about love.

For one split second I was alone among the chaos and confusion that is Friday afternoon at 2:05- the clammer and excitement that erupts and drenches the halls and the tired, worn out faculty could almost be described as contagious. And for that split second I was taken back to how lonely, scared and unsure it felt to be a high schooler. To be 13 and entering a secondary school, or to be 14 and have your crush of two years spit gum in hair... to be 15 and have your first boyfriend break up with you... to be 16 and watch your parents marriage fall apart and feel numb as 17 enrolls you into your 3rd high school in 3 years- and all you can think about is how everything will change when you turn 18.

For the split second that the chaos of 2:05 overtook me I remembered how nothing changed the day I turned 18. And with that thought, I resurfaced to the smiling, excited and ever brave faces of the kids who I now call home. As they rushed through the crowds to grab me, smiling and calling my name it became so evident that high schoolers are the greatest, most daring and courageous inventions to ever walk the earth. And the day that changed everything, wasn't what I had ever that it would be. It was  the day Selma called me in for an interview, it was the day I boarded the charter bus headed for Lake Champion, it was then that everything changed.

I am so humbled, so grateful and ever confused as to why God thought it up that I'd get to live such a quirky adventure and be touched, inspired and loved by the greatest inventions that ever walked the earth.

My life now-

YoungLife- Falls Church High School

Moving Forward

I don’t remember much about my stepfather. Most of our conversations, family vacations and dinners over avocado salads have been forgotten. There are bits of him that sometimes sneak up on me though, like his cologne that drifted down our hallways or the way he’d bend down and say “tiny kiss.” I was 16 and the month of August was suffocating, more humid and relentless then most. My mums parent’s came to help us pack, we neatly folded 7 years and 5 months into cardboard boxes labeled FRAGILE. I scribbled over the FRAGILE markings on my boxes, there was nothing fragile about my life. Any part that could be broken was already rotten; I had no more need for fragile.

He left without a word, though his silence spoke louder than any sweet chord I had heard. I accepted his abandonment well; I told my family I never loved him anyway.

Three years passed and took hold of me quite violently, and throughout I feared I would never find the strength to resurface. Until a February morning pried the winter from my lips and broke the silence my step father had left me with. 

I dropped out of college in the middle of second semester, the very day silence no longer dwelled within me- I stumbled home to find the brokenness that had once lived in the tips my toes had burned through my blood like gasoline. And very clearly God whispered, it was time.

In the short months that passed, God revealed that I wasn't to lead a life that our society finds normal- my path to a "successful life" would be a very different one. Coming to terms with this realization spoiled me with anger and fear- I couldn't accept that I would be living at home, working and going to community college while my world of peers were at 4 year Universities, changing lives. Until God whispered once more and returning home, to the place I had always wanted to run from, made sense.

For those of you who have spoken to me in the last year have probably heard about my friend Aaron and the struggle he has gone through. As well as my special interest and love for him. If you haven't  you can check out these two videos- the first is purely information and the second was a video I made for Aaron in January, that he has yet to see. Both, I would say, are very touching.  

Aaron

I believe

Anyways, one warm May evening I got a call from Aaron's mum saying that Aaron had begun to walk- on his own. A task no doctor could have ever imagined, let alone his family or friends. The news crashed over me and engulfed me in the deepest reassurance that accepting the path God had spoken for me, no longer felt like a burden. Because from the moment I saw Aaron, I knew he would walk again, I KNOW he will speak again- and watching the power of believing and loving someone literally excite them enough they find the courage and healing to WALK, simply blew me and my mind away. God is good, so, so good.

All this to be said, it has been a year since I was sprawled out writing among the stacks in the basement of my University's library. Blissfully unaware of where it was my dreams were about to take me and what great lengths I would have to travel to cease them. But now that I am in the thick of actively seeking and challenging my purpose, dreams and God- I couldn't be more at peace with the path I took to get here and the path I'll continue on.

Flux-