Coming clean about my struggle with faith.

I've been putting this off. Writing that is, since the middle of March, and to be honest, I can't be stagnant anymore. I can't keep stuffing things deep down, my sorry heart hasn't anymore room to swell.

All the while its suffocating and stifling, and has greater effect on my emotional well being then I am interested in giving the simple act of writing credit to.
But if we believe...if I believe, God gives us great gifts and great treasures, then I can't forsake the gift that writing has been to my healing process. In fact, sometimes deep parts of me, hope that God's gift of writing to my little heart would be more then a healing process for me, but in turn a catalyst for others, a place that leads them deeper into personal reflection and ultimately where God meets them, face to face, in a very real way.

So where do I begin? It has been seven months since my last post, since the last time I've truly taken the time to feast on one of the ways I delight in worship!

To be honest, this is going to be a process, involving more then one "updating" post. Because I want to talk about all the joy and all the sadness I have seen in so many facets along this journey, in getting engaged, losing a beloved grandmother, returning to Chop Point, losing a friend, questioning my faith, planning a wedding and getting married to my favorite person.

My heart is swollen and I can't keep from weeping thinking about it all.

The place I'd like to start, which feels like a giant elephant looming over me every where I go, is the journey I've been on in regards to questioning my faith. I want to start here, because I believe its the underlying piece to this season of my life and this season of healing.

I haven't wanted to open up about it. Especially when all I've done since I was 15 was throw myself, wildly into the arms of the church, wildly into the arms of ministry, wildly into the palms of other broken, hurting, lost people. Who want's to admit they've been wrong about something they've believed and put everything into? Who wants to crawl back, naked and afraid, wondering how delusional they could have been to spiral this far out of reality.

It is so painful for me to think about the morning that I was awoken this summer with a violent nightmare, one that played all around me, one that I couldn't escape. I began to see religion for what it was, ugly, controlling, manipulative, striving, corrupt and evil. I wanted to run away from God, the church, my christian friends, I wanted go home and tell my family they were right all these years, and that I would gladly conform to the greater thought of the Universe and humanism.

But mostly, like many other pivotal moments in my life, I wanted to dissolve. And I lived most of the summer and early mornings of fall wanting to dissolve into nothing. Wanting to escape the ever present questions of how I could have fallen so deeply into something so shallow.

Until my sweet Jesus met me one morning, oh how He laughed when He saw me, He was filled with such joy. And I thought to myself, I have really lost it now, I am beyond help, I am not even a christian, I don't know the first thing about love or Jesus.

And that's where God stepped in and told me I was wrong. He wasn't gentle, the usual approach to which I had attributed God, He was urgent, persistant. He was clear- I was wrong, so wrong it was awful. I had fallen into one of the many deceits religion has to offer, which is putting my own human qualities and expectations on God, thinking God judges like we do, thinking God hates like we do, thinking God is intolerant and impatient and unloving and unforgiving like WE ARE. Like you and I, like the world is, like the church and the unchurched alike.

I had wildly chased the church, ministry and people, seeking wisdom, acceptance, status and this summer Jesus intervened and ripped me from the depths of religion. He opened my eyes to what I worshiped- which was a far, far shot from the true cry of my heart. He beckoned me, come wildly chase Me, come wildly chase My heart, come wildly chase people the way I see them, come see how I feel about the world and all My beloved children.

Stop chasing the church, stop striving after ministry, stop giving yourself to hungry, hurting, lost people. Just be- sit in My love, My energy, My healing, My thoughts, just be yourself. Stop feeling like you have to change, stop feeling like you can't be who I made you to be because those who are rigid and scared and need love have told you that you're not doing it "right".

And so here I am- again. Just Raelyn, the ragamuffin, baptized in a Bob Marley shirt, who loves to talk about pornography and wild love, who has struggled with depression for years and usually makes conservative christian's mildly uncomfortable on a regular basis.

Right now I am tender and healing and fragile-That's okay. I am allowed to question and dig through my hurt and challenge the church and challenge the world.

There is freedom in Christ- I can be who He made me to be, washed free of religion, washed free of expectations, washed free of labels.

Thank you for loving me, even in the chokehold of religion, thank you for freeing me and giving me a glimpse of Your heart for the the world, thank you for giving me revelation on how to love better and more fuller, on what's important. And most of all thank you for showing me that You love ALL your children and that all the hurtful and excluding boundaries that the church has set up all these years are not YOUR boundaries. I love how radical and outside of the box You are Jesus. Please keep me in your secret place forever and teach me how to love the church, give me a heart for the religious, give me more compassion Jesus, lead me into deeper wells of humbleness and empathy.

I want to be wild for you-

RL

A Trying Season-

Walking with Grief 

Do not hurry

as you walk with grief;

it does not help the journey.

Walk slowly, 

pausing often:

do not hurry

as you walk with grief.

Be not disturbed

by memories that come unbidden.

Swiftly forgive;

and let Christ speak for you

unspoken words.

Unfinished conversation

will be resolved in Him.

Be gentle with the one

who walks with grief.

If it is you,

be gentle with yourself.

Swiftly forgive;

walk slowly,

pausing often.

Take time, be gentle

as you walk with grief.

Celtic Prayer by George MacDonald  

Revival raged through my veins the night I heard about America. 

"The Land of the Free" finally free.  It was the last weekend in September (9.29.13) and I wept over "10,000 harvesters" 10,000 people being raised up and sent forth to see a nation free from shackles. That was the night I stopped asking God "why?" That was the night I began to mourn for my family and the ones I loved from high school and summer camp, that was the night I decided it was all going to be worth it. 

Every last painful thing.

Leaving home has been hard. 

For the last 9 months I have been trudging through a season of deep sorrow. And as I prepared for our great adventure north, grief kept finding me. I packed and sorted through what to keep, what to put in storage and what to take with me to Maine-but the memories and pain I had tucked away in old familiar things that had fallen behind my bed and underneath white leather couch cushions were found again. 

The grieving of lost loved ones, false realities revealed, and radical family changes wasn't going to cease existing come March 1st. (Though parts of my heart hoped and prayed they would.) 

Depression war'd within me and I was faced with an incredibly pivotal moment- Did I believe and trust that following Jesus was bigger then the pain I was experiencing within my heart, within my family and throughout the lives of those I saw around me. 

Yes. 

And though from the outside looking in it seemed too obvious, yes, yes, yes- I believed and trusted. Within my heart and mind, things were a different story. I had to, and still have to, make very deliberate steps to continue to walk in freedom, though many days it feels too difficult to reach. 

I am thankful that God has answered my prayers and sent me to the pioneer's land to love children. 

I am thankful that God is so good, gentle and merciful. 

I am thankful He has given me an intentional time of healing and purging of pain.

And I am thankful for all those who have loved me in this trying season, for my family who has weathered great trials and tribulations and for the opportunity to live out my dream- though I am weak and have little to offer.

Despite whatever odds my mind tries to conjure- I am still clinging to hope and expectant that great things will blossom here in the land of the Chickadee! 

Here are a few other things I've learned since being here; 

Grilled asparagus is tastier then baked asparagus, especially with garlic, butter and fresh squeezed lemon. Coconut oil is a great deep conditioner for hair, an amazing dental hygien agent and the best face moisturizer. Sugar is giving me mad acne and its time to purge it from my diet. In the middle of March, 2 feet of snow is normal, I have also learned the true essence of shoveling, scraping, and why everyone lifts their windshield wipers before a big storm. And in the midst of a mid-March snow storm how to fill a 5 gallon jug of gas and fuel up a snow blower. Mainer's are pioneers, the life of a pioneer is cold, tough and includes lots of work. And I am totally unprepared and need to invest in a real winter coat, mittens/gloves, snow boots, and wool socks. 

Guess I shoulda thought that through before moving up ;)

Editors note- GOD IS SO GOOD! After writing this post, I got a message from one of my campers from this past summer, who had bought Tiffany and I brand new snow boots, winter coats, thermals, gloves and socks! 

Walk in Love,

R

We're moving to Maine.

Finally I feel as if I'm walking out alive. Burned and bruised from the unyielding secrets that wrecked my reality months ago.  I'm Alive. I'm Alive. There is no brokenness inside. I laugh now, at the process and journey to Whole. I laugh because I'm not there and I laugh because I'm closer then I've ever been, but truly I laugh because Wholeness feels a lot like laughter and life.is.funny.

I remember the beginnings of dreaming, it was raining outside in late July. I had the most radiant of people all around, they ranged from 14 to 17 and knew everything about the world and life and love. Most people will tell you teenagers don't know anything about life but they are so incredibly wise and so under heard. We (but I really mean they) decided that we'd buy an RV and establish a mobile, traveling church where we'd all play important roles like hugging sad kids, visting old people who used to be young and living radically together for Jesus. We dreamt for a long time about Wholeness and family and somehow, somewhere the love that connected us and the dreams we dreamed changed each of us that July. And I will never forget, how could I ever forget the handful that rekindled up a dream in my heart that I thought was long dead and gone.

Abby. Isabella. A.J. Bekah. Ines. Sam. Phoebe.

Seven months later the beginnings of a dream dreamt out of pure hearts and pure faith is now unfolding into reality. 

On March 1st Tiffany, Ian and I are moving to Maine!

There is sadness in our hearts as we leave our loved ones and families, but there is also eagerness, expectancy and an adventure we are in awe to be on. Each of us has a different dream and calling to which Maine beckons us- but at the root we all want to see revival, families restored, lost sons and daughters found and love radiate throughout the beautiful state of Maine.

We cannot wait to sink our roots down in the boonies of Midcoast with others who have pioneered before us and are still pioneering the land.

Here's a link to a post that goes more in-depth about our journey and what God has been doing in our lives these past several months.
click here :)

I really feel as though the resounding word that has been repeating over and over in my heart and mind since the summer has been "You call me out upon the water, the great unknown where feet may fail."  I am thankful for all our family and friends who have encouraged us to continue out upon the water, where plans aren't all figured out and trusting in God is scary. I truly believe we are continuing into a season 'where feet may fail' but am so ready for God to pave the way.

God isn't religion.

The Spirit of Religion has come, day and night I strain for freedom. For his ways are just like bondage, they are ways of silence and oppression. Religion has seeped his way in, declares himself 'Church' and the Accuser is pleased. For there is no room for the Spirit of Love when Religion still reigns.

When I first heard the phrase,
"He doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called" 
I was unsure of what the implications meant. You see, I didn't grow up going to church or practicing any sort of religion with my family, but my parents did afford me the sweetest gift and that was my freedom to choose. So once I encountered God, face to face, at 15, things were never the same for me. My encounter with Him was so divine I ran to wherever I thought I'd find Him and I wound up, quite literally on the doorstep of a church. Very soon I become disillusioned by the people and the message and the political agendas that those in authority where preaching. I began to despise church, and the more Religion was revealed to me the more I wanted Jesus, the more I cried out for freedom from condemnation, judgement, and bondage, the more my gentle God beckoned me. In High School, I was propelled into rebellion for the sake of boundaries and expectations the church had placed on me and my generation, I spiralled for years, unwilling to conform and unable to find others alike.

And so it goes, the phrase of a young, wild rebel who holds no qualification in the realm of church, is called. I have been called since late June 2008 and have fought and cried and begged against it. My poor parents, damaged, abused, lied to and led astray by the confines of The Church and Religion. I'm sure most any other path would have pleased them more then to have a daughter live a life of abandon in the name of a man who was twisted by others and brought only pain and turmoil unto them.

To my parents, friends who I grew up with and those that find their way here- I want to apologize on behalf of those of us who have been deeply moved by the love and spirit of Jesus and refuse to conform to the ways of Religion. I am sorry you have been abused, I am sorry you have been lied to, I am sorry you have been rolled over, ripped off and ransacked. God isn't religion. Jesus came to free us.

God calls the broken, damaged, wounded, lost and says YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE PRECIOUS. YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD! He calls all those who look and are completely unqualified by the world's standards and calls them sons, calls them daughters, believes in them and entrusts them with the hearts and souls of the world.

I still am in a state of rebellion- I will always rebel against religion, conformity, and bondage to a checklist of rules on how to "get into heaven." God isn't religion. Jesus came to free us. But now I have found the greatest way of rebellion, most clearly represented as Jesus Christ's life on earth. And that is to radically love, radically forgive, and to never give up on anyone! There is always gold to be seen, reconciliation to be had and love to be shared.


-Walk in Love

My thoughts about your sexuality.

Who cares? Sincerely, truly and wholeheartedly, who cares about my thoughts on your sexuality?

I sure dont. 

I'm tired of the division between human to human, I'm tired of the ugly language and the hardened hearts, within all spectrums, sides and communities.

But what I do CARE about and what is relevant and important and what I have many thoughts on, is wether or not you know Jesus and have a relationship with God. Mainly because God is bigger then our sexuality and because Jesus didn't come to be divisive, He came to unite. He didn't come to bind, condem and shame but instead He came to free the soul from bondage, from all condemnation and all shame. If I call myself a Christian, a follower of Jesus, light of the world, I can no longer adhere to an ideology that oppresses. I refuse to continue to be apart of a movement that points fingers, puts up walls and labels groups of people without ever entering into personal relationships.

So I'm here to say I don't care about my thoughts or your thoughts, though I do care about YOU and will respect YOU and love YOU regardless. Because that is what Jesus' love and purpose and destiny was all about, love. Reuniting the lost and the hurting with God.

That is what I care about. Love.

Packing up and moving out- how we became REVIVALISTS!

My story is simple.

I didn't always think it so, especially when I thought about my family and the circumstances that have challenged me these past 5 years, words like hard, complicated, exhausting, painful, and confusing came to mind. 

Not simple.

But I'm here to tell you that is exactly what my story is- simple.

Jesus changed my life.

In a simple moment, an act of faith I'm sure of it, 

"Can I pray for you?" She said.

And my life was simply wrecked, rolled, turned upside down.

He came to me and lifted my broken spirit, He took my dry and rotted out bones and breathed life into me. I had searched and searched for a love and tenderness like His, I looked to boyfriends, materialism, social status, food, perfection, body image 

and even to my family but nothing touched the joy I encountered 5 years ago.

The joy that had left me reeling ever since.

 

It is because of that so tangible yet incredibly indescribable love, joy and peace that the decision to dedicate my life to the unordinary, or as some have plainly put it, unorthodox and irresponsible has become so clear and so effortless. My decision is yes, I will go. Send me. 

I want to tell you, with great anticipation, joy, an overwhelming sense of purpose and hope that Tiffany and I will be moving to Maine. 

It started 5 years ago for me, when the day came for me to leave Chop Point, I never knew I was capable of crying so hard, feeling so deeply or even loving people in such a way that I learned to love my first summer in Maine. And that was the beginning and that was the end for me, Maine has always been on the brim of my lips

 It started 4 years ago for Tiffany, my California girl by birth but east coast girl at heart. A cross country road trip with her family sealed her fate as soon as she saw New England's cobblestoned streets, autumn's great landscape, and of course, the Kennebec, which gave way to a new calling in her spirit.

 Our stories crossed in perfect rhythm. Lately, it has become one of my favorites to tell, as it continues to fit the curvature of our ripening destiny.

We met this past summer at Chop Point, Tiffany was the camp cook and I was a camp counselor. It was Tiffany's first summer at Chop Point and it was my long awaited return. Ironically, we probably weren't each others "first picks" but due to ending up in the left over or "surplus" van a couple times, our pickins were slim. Whether we liked it in the beginning or not (for the record I did and Tiffany did not ;P) our friendship flourished throughout days off, giggling in the boat house, long naps  in the sun and our love for Jesus, food and high school kids.

We decided early on that after camp ended I'd pack up my Virginia life and head out to the coast. But as it goes, God had very different plans. I took an internship at a local church in Virginia and Tiffany, a woman full of guts, grace and humility (did I say GUTS?) came out for a visit and discerned God's call for her to make the cross country jump.

 By mid October she had her license, a new car (named Misty, she's blue and was born in 1998) and was settling into the bedroom next to mine. Things didn't seem to slow down, thanks to an incredible guy we met in our bible study named Ian, (who by the way, is a legend but we'll get to him later) we began going to a Saturday evening revival service for young people. To say our hearts were shattered would be a radical understatement. In the span of a few short weeks our souls were being revived, Jesus began to do a new thing in us, for the first time in a very long time the realization of life, love and our time here on earth became clear. We began to live Saturday to Saturday, hungry for more knowledge and teaching, each day was newer then the last.

By early November we received extremely sad news that one of my counselors from when I was a camper had passed away and so we packed up the Kia and headed north.

 Our hearts grieved for our friends and kids who were deeply affected by her passing.

Though while we were there, Holy Spirit began to speak to us in a new way, His direction was so clear it could have been audible. Maine. It had always been Maine. 

Somewhere between the back and forth of spending the little time we had with our teens, it dawned on us. The revelation of what God had done for us and was doing in us. It was Maine, the children of Maine. The promised land. 

The more we prayed the clearer it became. The more we looked around the more we saw Maine everywhere we went. Homesick in our hearts for a people who are longing for freedom, longing to be seen, loved, cherished and called chosen! 

 Unsure of how we'd sustain ourselves in Maine but certain we wanted to see the revival, I shared our dream with a beautiful friend of mine, Grace. Who with wide eyes and the most comforting of smiles told me that there was a guy and there was a new church and there was a dream, SOMEONE HAD THE SAME DREAM, someone loved Maine and it's people and its teenagers and its children and its family and its lost and its broken.

 God is and was and will always be so good and gracious and perfect and loving.

 The next week we met with the youth pastor of The Roar (the local rival we had been chilling at) and he graciously opened his doors to us, welcomed us and gave us the opportunity to grow under his leadership team. He then (this man is amazing) said he would put us in contact with the guys in Maine who were birthing the same movement as The Roar.

In disbelief we nodded and in disbelief we cried, in disbelief our hearts called out and our good, loving Father answered. Softly He whispered all that He was going to entrust to us, that He loved us so desperately and believed in us and in our stories SO much that He was going to birth in us a dream  beyond satisfaction.

 Our original plan was that we'd spend the summer at Chop Point, come home to Virginia in August pack up our things and move back up to Maine by mid to late September at the latest, that was until...

New Years Eve came upon us and God began to speak and stir and do a new thing again. The month March began replaying over and over in my head and God told me March, March will be when you go. So, I rushed through the crowds to find Tiffany, I asked her to pray and ask God when He wanted us to go (I am a skeptical woman). Two hours later, only moments before midnight I asked Tiffany what The Lord had said, and she looked at me, more unsure then I'd ever seen her, and she squinted out the word March.

\

As for now, we continue to wait as God moves and speaks to us about whether we will go March 2014 or March 2015. And in the meantime, Tiffany has decided to learn guitar (Ian and her are going to be worship leaders), she's also picked up knitting (I'm learning too) and Ian has decided to move to Maine with us, he's also in the midst of working on his famous collages and mix tapes. 

We are so thankful for all our family and friends who believe in our dream of LOVE and REVIVAL! 

The expectancy of 2014.

2013 rang in fast and loud, as I stood among 16,000 fellow Urbana attendees. We were singing worship songs in Swahili and I couldn't stop wondering how and why I had found myself at one of the biggest reoccurring missions conferences in the states. At the time, long term missionary work had yet to cross my mind but looking back I now see that it was a carefully thought out miracle and since, (thank God) has become an incredible undercurrent that has continued to push me in the direction of my destiny.

The new year started off and I made my resolutions, all four in a row, like a check list that would come and go:

• Get messy- people rarely have lives that are clean cut and ordinary. Life is messy and loving messy people is extremely challenging. Get involved, be apart, be ok with messy.
• Humble myself. I am so very prideful when it comes to food and taking care of myself- but its about time I humble up and accept the love and help.
• Be. More. Intentional. 
• Take myself less seriously- chill out. 

What I didn't know at the time, was that when we declare things that are true and align with our destiny, God Himself comes in agreement with us and an unbreakable declaration comes evermore into movement and forms life. I had just barely dipped my toes in the alignment of God and things were about to get crazy. 

Shortly after the New Year, I attended a women's conference and the truth and freedom I found within the walls of that beach house began to unwind the suffocating ropes that religion had bound me with. I began to believe in change and freedom in a new way (Jesus came to do a new thing!!!) blinders had been lifted and my self respect and His love for me softly began to point out all the "off" situations and relationships in my life. One of the most wall breaking experiences during this time was the realization of how soft and gentle the Creator of the universe actually is and all those years of shame and self condemnation weren't really a doing of His love but a consequence of a fallen and very rule oriented religion. My heart had been changed and January was its catalyst. I was introduced to the porn industry(if you read my blog regularly, you probably saw the sudden interest), sex trafficking, sexual addictions and false manhood. I became an activist in my home and my community for freedom and awareness. Sadly, yet thankfully in the midst of my journey I discovered I had been in a relationship with a classic candidate for all things "cheater" "porn addict" and "falsified manhood". He had an alternate life full of dark secrets, pain and shame. To say my heart was broken isn't completely true, but to say my self confidence, sense of worth and ability to trust was pulled out from under me would be very accurate. But all things considered and like He ALWAYS does, my God of love and mercy saved me from a lifestyle that would've eventually lead to more bondage and sorrow then I know I could have bore.

In late May,  I went on an amazing and life altering missions trip to Port Au Prince, Haiti where I fulfilled one of my oldest dreams which was to go on a missions trip and visit an orphanage. I am certain that just like Urbana, my family trip to Haiti continues to be an undercurrent that will lead me further into my destiny. Days after my return I boarded my favorite type of plane *which is a plane destined for Maine* where I assumed the long awaited role of Counselor at my favorite place on earth, Chop Point. 

The summer changed me, my girls changed me, my boys changed me. God changed me. I was marked and forever different, deeper wells sprung up in my heart and things became clearer about life. The summer, a season of healing and confrontation of so many of my fears, threw me even faster into the current phase I am wading in. Where finally the Lord has answered my long and tearful plead for a best friend, for a community not driven by religion but by the love of God, for healing within my family and restoration for my heart.

As 2014 dances in, I am on my knees begging that this will be another year of breakthrough and that I will undergo any uncomfort so that I can learn how to:

• Have and unoffendable heart- that no offense would keep me from continuing to love, pursue and press in.
• That I would learn to walk in love, and that would be the only way I know how to move.
• Reconciliation would be a banner to which I continue to always look to and strive for.
• I would tenaciously love - te-na-cious
• not easily stopped or pulled apart : firm or strong
• continuing for a long time 
• very determined to do something
• not flashy
• not impressive
• Be sincere. I want to be a sincere christian. I want all that I do to be of sincerity at the core.

I am expectant of this new year, a new season and a chance for God to do a new thing in me! Thank you to all my devoted friends and family who have waded and continue to wade in the waters of life with me. You are loved far more then you know :) 

yours truly and always warmly,