Packing up and moving out- how we became REVIVALISTS!

My story is simple.

I didn't always think it so, especially when I thought about my family and the circumstances that have challenged me these past 5 years, words like hard, complicated, exhausting, painful, and confusing came to mind. 

Not simple.

But I'm here to tell you that is exactly what my story is- simple.

Jesus changed my life.

In a simple moment, an act of faith I'm sure of it, 

"Can I pray for you?" She said.

And my life was simply wrecked, rolled, turned upside down.

He came to me and lifted my broken spirit, He took my dry and rotted out bones and breathed life into me. I had searched and searched for a love and tenderness like His, I looked to boyfriends, materialism, social status, food, perfection, body image 

and even to my family but nothing touched the joy I encountered 5 years ago.

The joy that had left me reeling ever since.

 

It is because of that so tangible yet incredibly indescribable love, joy and peace that the decision to dedicate my life to the unordinary, or as some have plainly put it, unorthodox and irresponsible has become so clear and so effortless. My decision is yes, I will go. Send me. 

I want to tell you, with great anticipation, joy, an overwhelming sense of purpose and hope that Tiffany and I will be moving to Maine. 

It started 5 years ago for me, when the day came for me to leave Chop Point, I never knew I was capable of crying so hard, feeling so deeply or even loving people in such a way that I learned to love my first summer in Maine. And that was the beginning and that was the end for me, Maine has always been on the brim of my lips

 It started 4 years ago for Tiffany, my California girl by birth but east coast girl at heart. A cross country road trip with her family sealed her fate as soon as she saw New England's cobblestoned streets, autumn's great landscape, and of course, the Kennebec, which gave way to a new calling in her spirit.

 Our stories crossed in perfect rhythm. Lately, it has become one of my favorites to tell, as it continues to fit the curvature of our ripening destiny.

We met this past summer at Chop Point, Tiffany was the camp cook and I was a camp counselor. It was Tiffany's first summer at Chop Point and it was my long awaited return. Ironically, we probably weren't each others "first picks" but due to ending up in the left over or "surplus" van a couple times, our pickins were slim. Whether we liked it in the beginning or not (for the record I did and Tiffany did not ;P) our friendship flourished throughout days off, giggling in the boat house, long naps  in the sun and our love for Jesus, food and high school kids.

We decided early on that after camp ended I'd pack up my Virginia life and head out to the coast. But as it goes, God had very different plans. I took an internship at a local church in Virginia and Tiffany, a woman full of guts, grace and humility (did I say GUTS?) came out for a visit and discerned God's call for her to make the cross country jump.

 By mid October she had her license, a new car (named Misty, she's blue and was born in 1998) and was settling into the bedroom next to mine. Things didn't seem to slow down, thanks to an incredible guy we met in our bible study named Ian, (who by the way, is a legend but we'll get to him later) we began going to a Saturday evening revival service for young people. To say our hearts were shattered would be a radical understatement. In the span of a few short weeks our souls were being revived, Jesus began to do a new thing in us, for the first time in a very long time the realization of life, love and our time here on earth became clear. We began to live Saturday to Saturday, hungry for more knowledge and teaching, each day was newer then the last.

By early November we received extremely sad news that one of my counselors from when I was a camper had passed away and so we packed up the Kia and headed north.

 Our hearts grieved for our friends and kids who were deeply affected by her passing.

Though while we were there, Holy Spirit began to speak to us in a new way, His direction was so clear it could have been audible. Maine. It had always been Maine. 

Somewhere between the back and forth of spending the little time we had with our teens, it dawned on us. The revelation of what God had done for us and was doing in us. It was Maine, the children of Maine. The promised land. 

The more we prayed the clearer it became. The more we looked around the more we saw Maine everywhere we went. Homesick in our hearts for a people who are longing for freedom, longing to be seen, loved, cherished and called chosen! 

 Unsure of how we'd sustain ourselves in Maine but certain we wanted to see the revival, I shared our dream with a beautiful friend of mine, Grace. Who with wide eyes and the most comforting of smiles told me that there was a guy and there was a new church and there was a dream, SOMEONE HAD THE SAME DREAM, someone loved Maine and it's people and its teenagers and its children and its family and its lost and its broken.

 God is and was and will always be so good and gracious and perfect and loving.

 The next week we met with the youth pastor of The Roar (the local rival we had been chilling at) and he graciously opened his doors to us, welcomed us and gave us the opportunity to grow under his leadership team. He then (this man is amazing) said he would put us in contact with the guys in Maine who were birthing the same movement as The Roar.

In disbelief we nodded and in disbelief we cried, in disbelief our hearts called out and our good, loving Father answered. Softly He whispered all that He was going to entrust to us, that He loved us so desperately and believed in us and in our stories SO much that He was going to birth in us a dream  beyond satisfaction.

 Our original plan was that we'd spend the summer at Chop Point, come home to Virginia in August pack up our things and move back up to Maine by mid to late September at the latest, that was until...

New Years Eve came upon us and God began to speak and stir and do a new thing again. The month March began replaying over and over in my head and God told me March, March will be when you go. So, I rushed through the crowds to find Tiffany, I asked her to pray and ask God when He wanted us to go (I am a skeptical woman). Two hours later, only moments before midnight I asked Tiffany what The Lord had said, and she looked at me, more unsure then I'd ever seen her, and she squinted out the word March.

\

As for now, we continue to wait as God moves and speaks to us about whether we will go March 2014 or March 2015. And in the meantime, Tiffany has decided to learn guitar (Ian and her are going to be worship leaders), she's also picked up knitting (I'm learning too) and Ian has decided to move to Maine with us, he's also in the midst of working on his famous collages and mix tapes. 

We are so thankful for all our family and friends who believe in our dream of LOVE and REVIVAL! 

The expectancy of 2014.

2013 rang in fast and loud, as I stood among 16,000 fellow Urbana attendees. We were singing worship songs in Swahili and I couldn't stop wondering how and why I had found myself at one of the biggest reoccurring missions conferences in the states. At the time, long term missionary work had yet to cross my mind but looking back I now see that it was a carefully thought out miracle and since, (thank God) has become an incredible undercurrent that has continued to push me in the direction of my destiny.

The new year started off and I made my resolutions, all four in a row, like a check list that would come and go:

• Get messy- people rarely have lives that are clean cut and ordinary. Life is messy and loving messy people is extremely challenging. Get involved, be apart, be ok with messy.
• Humble myself. I am so very prideful when it comes to food and taking care of myself- but its about time I humble up and accept the love and help.
• Be. More. Intentional. 
• Take myself less seriously- chill out. 

What I didn't know at the time, was that when we declare things that are true and align with our destiny, God Himself comes in agreement with us and an unbreakable declaration comes evermore into movement and forms life. I had just barely dipped my toes in the alignment of God and things were about to get crazy. 

Shortly after the New Year, I attended a women's conference and the truth and freedom I found within the walls of that beach house began to unwind the suffocating ropes that religion had bound me with. I began to believe in change and freedom in a new way (Jesus came to do a new thing!!!) blinders had been lifted and my self respect and His love for me softly began to point out all the "off" situations and relationships in my life. One of the most wall breaking experiences during this time was the realization of how soft and gentle the Creator of the universe actually is and all those years of shame and self condemnation weren't really a doing of His love but a consequence of a fallen and very rule oriented religion. My heart had been changed and January was its catalyst. I was introduced to the porn industry(if you read my blog regularly, you probably saw the sudden interest), sex trafficking, sexual addictions and false manhood. I became an activist in my home and my community for freedom and awareness. Sadly, yet thankfully in the midst of my journey I discovered I had been in a relationship with a classic candidate for all things "cheater" "porn addict" and "falsified manhood". He had an alternate life full of dark secrets, pain and shame. To say my heart was broken isn't completely true, but to say my self confidence, sense of worth and ability to trust was pulled out from under me would be very accurate. But all things considered and like He ALWAYS does, my God of love and mercy saved me from a lifestyle that would've eventually lead to more bondage and sorrow then I know I could have bore.

In late May,  I went on an amazing and life altering missions trip to Port Au Prince, Haiti where I fulfilled one of my oldest dreams which was to go on a missions trip and visit an orphanage. I am certain that just like Urbana, my family trip to Haiti continues to be an undercurrent that will lead me further into my destiny. Days after my return I boarded my favorite type of plane *which is a plane destined for Maine* where I assumed the long awaited role of Counselor at my favorite place on earth, Chop Point. 

The summer changed me, my girls changed me, my boys changed me. God changed me. I was marked and forever different, deeper wells sprung up in my heart and things became clearer about life. The summer, a season of healing and confrontation of so many of my fears, threw me even faster into the current phase I am wading in. Where finally the Lord has answered my long and tearful plead for a best friend, for a community not driven by religion but by the love of God, for healing within my family and restoration for my heart.

As 2014 dances in, I am on my knees begging that this will be another year of breakthrough and that I will undergo any uncomfort so that I can learn how to:

• Have and unoffendable heart- that no offense would keep me from continuing to love, pursue and press in.
• That I would learn to walk in love, and that would be the only way I know how to move.
• Reconciliation would be a banner to which I continue to always look to and strive for.
• I would tenaciously love - te-na-cious
• not easily stopped or pulled apart : firm or strong
• continuing for a long time 
• very determined to do something
• not flashy
• not impressive
• Be sincere. I want to be a sincere christian. I want all that I do to be of sincerity at the core.

I am expectant of this new year, a new season and a chance for God to do a new thing in me! Thank you to all my devoted friends and family who have waded and continue to wade in the waters of life with me. You are loved far more then you know :) 

yours truly and always warmly, 

I'm not a feminist, I swear. I just really, really love women.

I love my mum, I adore her so very much. I love the way we laugh and how she makes me laugh and all the joy she brings to my life- this post is for my radiant mum, who I have inherited my cheeky mouth from. 

I come empty handed, baring nothing but Your truth and time and time again, it ignites a storm so much greater then I could have ever gathered... 

Legs crossed, elbows to knees, I peer over to the young men eagerly discussing their hopes in a trip to Las Vegas. Full of excitement they exclaim about the girls, you know, the ones who are naked and come in catalogues that you can purchase for an hour or two. Prostitutes. 

My palms begin to sweat. My stomach lurches to protect those women, all women.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" I ask, knowing that this guy has been going steady with his girl for at least 3 years. 

"Uh, yeah but.."

"But what? Do you have a girlfriend or not?" My heart begins to tangle around my most recent conversations with the women in my life. How I desperately try and refute the lies that they so readily believe and how I get it, I get it, I get it, I get why we as women live in so much self condemnation and agony. Partly because we are surrounded by men who are so lost and so broken and don't know the first thing about respect, and the other is we don't know how to accept true, pure and selfless love.

He barely notices my point, my meager attempt to defend the woman he so carelessly calls lover-

"Yeah but Vanessa's cool, you know..." Laughing off the awkwardness with his buddy, I sit wide eyed, I can't stop looking at them. I want to scream.

And as I think about the evening I still want to scream and it makes no sense in my mind to continue writing out the awful conversation or the disrespectful and misogynistic things that were spoken that evening. But it was horrific and disgusting and every single man that sat in that basement fell so short of honor, integrity, respect and courage that if they ever so thought to consider themselves 'real men' I would have gladly taken on the duty of informing them otherwise. Because a real man delights in respecting women and those around him. A real man honors and builds up others, he does not tear them down. A real man has enough courage to stand up and defend, to love sacrificially and admit when he has been wrong.

To my mother and my grandmothers and my aunts and the sisters in my life, my dear girl friends and young girls who are rising up to be women, YOU are worth so much more then the single-mindedness that an offensively large percentage of men hold- YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL in everything that you are. You deserve to be pursued, sought after and won over. You, a beautiful daughter of God deserve a man who is willing and ready to lay down is own life for you. You deserve better, you deserve more, you deserve wholeness and to be lifted up. You deserve laughter and tender care, moments filled with such pure love it makes your soul ache with happiness. 

Dear friends, do not go another day believing the broken theology of man- do not compare yourselves to the women who are sculpted from plastic. But instead ache for them and note that anyone who hates themselves so much they must become but a shadow of the masterpiece they once were, is hungry for the same thing you are. LOVE. Unconditional, radical, life altering LOVE. We all want to be accepted, to be told we are special and that we are loved by someone, anyone- so let us start now. Lets stop talking poorly about each others appearances, always comparing but instead realize that we are the movement of change. We apart of the movement that will heal a generation.

One of my favorite stories from the bible is when a woman caught sleeping with a man that wasn't her husband is dragged from the place she was and thrown at the foot of Jesus. The whole town watching, chanting for her demise- she lay there naked, ashamed, broken, embarrassed and abused. Desperately wanting to be loved and accepted, to find worth and wholeness in a culture that labeled her as an object of conquest.  But instead of throwing religious law at her, stoning her to death or reprimanding her, Jesus looked to her and found in her a beauty that took his breath away, a radiance that was unmistakable and a perfection that only God could create- he saw the cry of her heart. 

I wonder what our world would look like if we stopped to listen to the cry of the hearts around us. I myself am nothing like Christ, nowhere as forgiving, loving or wonderful, but lately I have tried to stop and listen to the cry of my sisters' hearts. What I feared I would hear and what resounds among all, are deep seeded lies, lies rooted in self worth, image, belonging, and love. How desperate my soul is for truth, revival and change. How desperate we all are for someone to hear us and assure us of our worth and purpose.

In these trying times of brokenness, I am ever grateful to know so unwaveringly the love my God has for me and EVERY SINGLE person on this planet, even the guys I began my post off with.


to be continued..

Lord knows I'm ready: more on porn, sex and lies.

I could crumble up and cry for days, soak in the pain that is seemingly ever-present
Fold into myself and try to whisper away the haunting reality of the world we live in
or maybe I could scream, running ramped through the streets begging for freedom for my brothers, freedom for my sisters.

I'd say my thoughts about sex and sexual encounters became skewed when I was 15. Darkness swept over me and silenced any cry of confusion my heart had- I was in a man's world, playing by man's rules. That was how it was for us, stumbling around trying to make sense of self worth and fitting in. A neighboring High School had a homemade club called the "Whore Four," I'm sure you can guess the requirements and how any school within 10 miles knew their names. Our school thought it would be cool too, and came up with a similar one, "P*ssy Posse," was their name. I tell you this because it was normal for my peers and I- we grew up in the dawn of sexting, dirty images flew about on our flip phones with grainy cameras. And this was just the beginning, sex tapes and threesomes riddled the hallways of my school and of course anyone who wanted a boyfriend had the hovering pressure and expectancy to be "experienced." Looking back, High School was really scary and confusing- no one talked to me about healthy sexuality or expectations. Of course my parents regulated what shirts showed too much cleavage and I was never allowed to wear high heels- there were unspoken "rules" or expectations, like don't sleep around or get a bad reputation. But we never talked about secret things, or when it was expectable to enter into an "intimate" relationship. I don't write any of this to slam my parents, that is not the case at all, navigating parenthood and teen years I can only imagine is a haul but I know that if I lived it, I can assume there are so many of you, too, who stumbled around when it came time to face the pressures of our hyper-sexualized world.

So what do we do with all that?  How do we send our pre-teens and teens off into a world that only 5 years later runs rapid with even more lies? Where do we truly begin to embark on the journey that leads to empowerment over oppression?

I recently read a blog post (which was the catalyst for my post) by one of my beloved teenagers, very courageously he wrote about his struggle with pornography and the pain it left him with, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and bondage. Weeping over his struggle and filled with a similar sense of hopelessness, I wonder and pray desperately for a generation corrupted by lies. Not only lies about sex but lies about WHO we are, lies about our value in this world and how much we are or aren't loved. 

You are worthy despite what anyone has told you- you are WHOLE. You are perfect and you are loved by perfect love. You are not hopeless, you are not destined to live in darkness or evil. God only wants to love you endlessly, fully. His favorite thing is to redeem us, to make us new all over again. You are worthy, you are worthy, so very worthy. 

Every week as I stand in line at the grocery store I fight the urge to let the lies take hold, while I channel surf, when I check my facebook, as I squash fat at the gym, the lies are always there inch-worming their way back and forth. And I fear its because there isn't enough dialogue in our day to day lives about insecurities, sexuality, struggles, pornography, addiction and self hate.  These things are targeting and torturing a subgroup of our population- wrecking their confidence and leaving them hopeless for death and numb on whatever gratifies them quickest.

I want to keep the door for this dialogue open, I want to keep talking about porn and self image because asking God to heal us or take away our thoughts isn't going to be what changes us- Its praying for accountability, for support, for the ability to be truly honest and face our fears, our demons, our pain. What will change our hearts and our lives is Jesus' sweet love and the help of a dedicated and determined community, ready to battle every last lie.

Lets do something that should of been done for us- lets talk, lets cry, lets dig up the bitter roots of deceit. Lord knows I'm so ready.  Are you?

Soccer Mum (in training): love is waiting.

While reading quietly to myself I was interrupted with... 
7 year old girl- "uh.. Do you even have a boyfriend?" 
Me- *nervous laugh* "no."
7 year old girl- "uh... um.. Why not? Aren't people your age supposed to have boyfriends by now?"
Me- "Well..you see.."
7 year old girl- "I mean, can't you just go ask some guy?"
Me- "Well uh.."
7 year old girl- "Jeeze it's not that hard... Just go ask SOMEONE, ANYONE!" *sighs and walks off*
5 year old boy- "at-least you're wearing cute jeans."
Me- ...

Three weeks later- 

It's my 5 year old's first day of soccer practice, so naturally I drop him off and find a sliver of shade to hide under while I wait for evening to come. The sun is warm and there are so many kindergarteners running around, laughing and learning how to properly handle a ball. I'm wrapping up a phone conversation with a mom about house sitting, stories from the week and what activities her girls are up to when I see the cutest 3 year old eye me up and down. We begin tossing back smiles until he cant stand it any longer and crawls right up to me, just then my 5 year old rushes back for a water break and gives me a big wet kiss on the lips. 

"Is that your brother?" I look up to find the grandmother of my new little friend peering at me with some confusion. 
"No, I'm his babysitter."
"Oh ok, I thought you must be too young to be a mother."
"At the moment yes, but I hope to be one soon!" 
"mhmm... do you have a guy to go with?"

here we go again.

"*nervous laugh* uh, no."
"Well, you're sure not gonna find a man round here! Where else do you work?"
"At a church in fairfax."
the woman nearly explodes with laughter
"Sweet thing, you need to hang out with me, I'll show you around, help you out."

Turns out older women and young children are eager to give advice and offer generous help when it comes to my personal life. I must be (or my ovaries) omitting off signs of being highly incapable of preforming such tasks, so thank goodness the faithful and duty oriented folks have come to my aid. 

In the midst of the humorous irony,  I'm thankful for soccer practice and conversations with grandma's on the sidelines- and for the record, I am pretty sure I was created with the sole purpose of being a soccer mum. The get up got me going and I was in complete bliss.  Some people could wait a lifetime but I can NOT wait for the day I have a handful of my own just for the sake of sloppy kisses and life advice. 

But the whole context of the situation got me thinking deeper then just my biological needs to reproduce- I have lots of thoughts on marriage (which I'll save for another post) and have heard many success stories and many failed ones too. I have watched parents get lost in the craziness that is parenting, become overwhelmed with marriages burdened by the pile up of daily stress and I've also seen the grace it takes to orchestrate amidst the chaos. I find myself in a unique place, an opportunity if you will, living in singleness, living amongst children and also walking life with teens. There is SO much to be learned on my end, I almost feel like a gleaning gluton as I take in all of the experiences. Its exciting really, that while I patiently wait for not only a extraordinary man but for my future children as well, I am learning the "do's and don'ts", what healthy relationships/communication/parenting looks like and how I can be the best I possibly can be for my future family. 

Makes the waiting less daunting and my empty belly less painful! :)

Brokenness Aside-

Last Saturday evening I was approached by a young girl about my age, her smile felt as though we'd known each other for years. "You're my sisters small group leader, right?" She then proceeded to tell me what impact I had made on her 10 year old sister in the 3 weeks I'd known her- how the realness and vulnerability I shared had got her sister thinking. My recent prayer in small group had been about divorce- I spoke out because I knew that one of my girls had to be going through the same thing if not already been through it. Low and behold this little one heard my soft-spoken request and though she didn't reside in a home divided by divorce, she told her sister, "I can't imagine how my leader can be here for us when she's going through that." The girl who approached me thanked me for talking about real life and told me that her sister really looked up to me. Upon hearing that, my heart overflowed. Working with 5th and 6th graders, there has been very little response, though I've been real with my girls every week, real in conversations, real in prayer and real in speaking truth about who they are. I am so encouraged that one of my girls recognized the Lord- that she heard and saw the power God has to heal, to give strength in weakness and to love even when it is painful. And my little 10 year old is so right- I can't imagine how I could be there for them either, if it wasn't for my constant soaking up and soaking in the redemption and love that has been freely given to me in such abundance.

Having conversations like that remind me why it is so important to be who we are, where we are- unashamed of the messiness, hurt and brokenness of our lives. So many times I've wished to be the product of a less complicated life but I'm growing into my messy skin, the stretch marks from growing pains and repairing of relationships. I am thankful that despite that, I still, each day am called again and again to ministry- called to truth and young people.

So, in turn, I've been looking into colleges where I can finish off my degree in something ministry related. I'd love, love, love to attend Moody Bible Institute but unfortunately I still feel called to the Northern Virginia area- a calling I've been trying to decipher for the last year (thats a whole different post.) But on the bright side there is a campus in Woodbridge that is out of Valley Forge Christian College that offers a degree in Ministry. I've got an appointment this Monday with admissions to talk about what it would like to attend in the spring. We will see what happens!

In the meantime, I have reconnected with an amazing gathering that happens weekly, which has off the hook worship and honest, real life talk. I forgot how Spirit full and Spirit led that ministry is and just from one service I am already feeling so much more in tune with the Holy Spirit. Tiffany will be moving to Virginia within the next couple of weeks and my heart is so full to live more life with her. We have decided swing dancing is going to be our go to thing and are looking into lessons. I'm digging my new college small group and am excited to grow and learn with this unique group of people. I was invited to a prophetic dance/worship service this weekend and can't wait to see what that will be like. Overall I've gleaned so much from this week, so many of the longings and prayers of my heart have been answered and are being answered. I am incredibly full, basking in the goodness and joy God brings. Despite how dark things are- the pain, confusion and brokenness, I am finding so much freedom and so much joy in this time of suffering.

God takes brokenness aside and makes us so beautiful.

Sweet spot-groovethang.

It's been about 4 months now since the catalyst for radical change invaded my life. The dark, overwhelming and doubting days of purpose and calling have faded out with the liberation of my fears and the belief I had in so many lies. The freedom to pursue God whenever, wherever and however I want without the confinements of a relationship that disapproves of uninhibited truth has left me full of awe. The weightlessness that resides on my shoulders is plenty, my burden is light and effortless. New habits have been born and my prayer life, devotion time and appreciation for the present moment have exceeded any positive thought I could have hoped to gain from rearranging my time.

Radically humbled by the goodness of grace.
Radically delivered from the fears of my past.
Radically called to serve a life of servanthood.
Radically devoted to the life breathing power the gospel has to offer.
Radically loved by Jesus and in turn ready to radically love. 

Unafraid of the future. Waiting patiently in The Lord. Because You love me God, I am secure.

Such a sweet
place to reside-