The expectancy of 2014.

2013 rang in fast and loud, as I stood among 16,000 fellow Urbana attendees. We were singing worship songs in Swahili and I couldn't stop wondering how and why I had found myself at one of the biggest reoccurring missions conferences in the states. At the time, long term missionary work had yet to cross my mind but looking back I now see that it was a carefully thought out miracle and since, (thank God) has become an incredible undercurrent that has continued to push me in the direction of my destiny.

The new year started off and I made my resolutions, all four in a row, like a check list that would come and go:

• Get messy- people rarely have lives that are clean cut and ordinary. Life is messy and loving messy people is extremely challenging. Get involved, be apart, be ok with messy.
• Humble myself. I am so very prideful when it comes to food and taking care of myself- but its about time I humble up and accept the love and help.
• Be. More. Intentional. 
• Take myself less seriously- chill out. 

What I didn't know at the time, was that when we declare things that are true and align with our destiny, God Himself comes in agreement with us and an unbreakable declaration comes evermore into movement and forms life. I had just barely dipped my toes in the alignment of God and things were about to get crazy. 

Shortly after the New Year, I attended a women's conference and the truth and freedom I found within the walls of that beach house began to unwind the suffocating ropes that religion had bound me with. I began to believe in change and freedom in a new way (Jesus came to do a new thing!!!) blinders had been lifted and my self respect and His love for me softly began to point out all the "off" situations and relationships in my life. One of the most wall breaking experiences during this time was the realization of how soft and gentle the Creator of the universe actually is and all those years of shame and self condemnation weren't really a doing of His love but a consequence of a fallen and very rule oriented religion. My heart had been changed and January was its catalyst. I was introduced to the porn industry(if you read my blog regularly, you probably saw the sudden interest), sex trafficking, sexual addictions and false manhood. I became an activist in my home and my community for freedom and awareness. Sadly, yet thankfully in the midst of my journey I discovered I had been in a relationship with a classic candidate for all things "cheater" "porn addict" and "falsified manhood". He had an alternate life full of dark secrets, pain and shame. To say my heart was broken isn't completely true, but to say my self confidence, sense of worth and ability to trust was pulled out from under me would be very accurate. But all things considered and like He ALWAYS does, my God of love and mercy saved me from a lifestyle that would've eventually lead to more bondage and sorrow then I know I could have bore.

In late May,  I went on an amazing and life altering missions trip to Port Au Prince, Haiti where I fulfilled one of my oldest dreams which was to go on a missions trip and visit an orphanage. I am certain that just like Urbana, my family trip to Haiti continues to be an undercurrent that will lead me further into my destiny. Days after my return I boarded my favorite type of plane *which is a plane destined for Maine* where I assumed the long awaited role of Counselor at my favorite place on earth, Chop Point. 

The summer changed me, my girls changed me, my boys changed me. God changed me. I was marked and forever different, deeper wells sprung up in my heart and things became clearer about life. The summer, a season of healing and confrontation of so many of my fears, threw me even faster into the current phase I am wading in. Where finally the Lord has answered my long and tearful plead for a best friend, for a community not driven by religion but by the love of God, for healing within my family and restoration for my heart.

As 2014 dances in, I am on my knees begging that this will be another year of breakthrough and that I will undergo any uncomfort so that I can learn how to:

• Have and unoffendable heart- that no offense would keep me from continuing to love, pursue and press in.
• That I would learn to walk in love, and that would be the only way I know how to move.
• Reconciliation would be a banner to which I continue to always look to and strive for.
• I would tenaciously love - te-na-cious
• not easily stopped or pulled apart : firm or strong
• continuing for a long time 
• very determined to do something
• not flashy
• not impressive
• Be sincere. I want to be a sincere christian. I want all that I do to be of sincerity at the core.

I am expectant of this new year, a new season and a chance for God to do a new thing in me! Thank you to all my devoted friends and family who have waded and continue to wade in the waters of life with me. You are loved far more then you know :) 

yours truly and always warmly,