I could crumble up and cry for days, soak in the pain that is seemingly ever-present
Fold into myself and try to whisper away the haunting reality of the world we live in
or maybe I could scream, running ramped through the streets begging for freedom for my brothers, freedom for my sisters.
I'd say my thoughts about sex and sexual encounters became skewed when I was 15. Darkness swept over me and silenced any cry of confusion my heart had- I was in a man's world, playing by man's rules. That was how it was for us, stumbling around trying to make sense of self worth and fitting in. A neighboring High School had a homemade club called the "Whore Four," I'm sure you can guess the requirements and how any school within 10 miles knew their names. Our school thought it would be cool too, and came up with a similar one, "P*ssy Posse," was their name. I tell you this because it was normal for my peers and I- we grew up in the dawn of sexting, dirty images flew about on our flip phones with grainy cameras. And this was just the beginning, sex tapes and threesomes riddled the hallways of my school and of course anyone who wanted a boyfriend had the hovering pressure and expectancy to be "experienced." Looking back, High School was really scary and confusing- no one talked to me about healthy sexuality or expectations. Of course my parents regulated what shirts showed too much cleavage and I was never allowed to wear high heels- there were unspoken "rules" or expectations, like don't sleep around or get a bad reputation. But we never talked about secret things, or when it was expectable to enter into an "intimate" relationship. I don't write any of this to slam my parents, that is not the case at all, navigating parenthood and teen years I can only imagine is a haul but I know that if I lived it, I can assume there are so many of you, too, who stumbled around when it came time to face the pressures of our hyper-sexualized world.
So what do we do with all that? How do we send our pre-teens and teens off into a world that only 5 years later runs rapid with even more lies? Where do we truly begin to embark on the journey that leads to empowerment over oppression?
I recently read a blog post (which was the catalyst for my post) by one of my beloved teenagers, very courageously he wrote about his struggle with pornography and the pain it left him with, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and bondage. Weeping over his struggle and filled with a similar sense of hopelessness, I wonder and pray desperately for a generation corrupted by lies. Not only lies about sex but lies about WHO we are, lies about our value in this world and how much we are or aren't loved.
You are worthy despite what anyone has told you- you are WHOLE. You are perfect and you are loved by perfect love. You are not hopeless, you are not destined to live in darkness or evil. God only wants to love you endlessly, fully. His favorite thing is to redeem us, to make us new all over again. You are worthy, you are worthy, so very worthy.
Every week as I stand in line at the grocery store I fight the urge to let the lies take hold, while I channel surf, when I check my facebook, as I squash fat at the gym, the lies are always there inch-worming their way back and forth. And I fear its because there isn't enough dialogue in our day to day lives about insecurities, sexuality, struggles, pornography, addiction and self hate. These things are targeting and torturing a subgroup of our population- wrecking their confidence and leaving them hopeless for death and numb on whatever gratifies them quickest.
I want to keep the door for this dialogue open, I want to keep talking about porn and self image because asking God to heal us or take away our thoughts isn't going to be what changes us- Its praying for accountability, for support, for the ability to be truly honest and face our fears, our demons, our pain. What will change our hearts and our lives is Jesus' sweet love and the help of a dedicated and determined community, ready to battle every last lie.
Lets do something that should of been done for us- lets talk, lets cry, lets dig up the bitter roots of deceit. Lord knows I'm so ready. Are you?
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