If I were whole
I'd stand a little taller
smooth out my spine
shake off my shoulders
each step I'd take would feel like dignity
my feet would be proud
of where we were going
my slumped over, broken shouldered, beat down bad posture- would be no longer.
Cause' if I were whole I'd stand with confidence
assured of my self worth- there'd never be another doubt.
And you see, the notion that I am a burden
would be demolished from my
pounding
paniked
poisoned heart.
The evidence would cease to exist
not even a memory to haunt me with.
If I were whole my infected sores of abandonment
would no longer seep and stain my blood
The confines of my veins would remain unscathed
This generational curse would stop here.
And my God, my God, my living Savior
If i were whole
I'd laugh, I'd forgive
I'd love, I'd breathe
I'd apologize, I'd live
with intent to break all the chains that have bound me to blindness- hand and hand freedom would guide me
If I were whole
I'd stop selling myself short
cheapening my worth to a one night stand
I'd say to the men who
claim me
own me- work me like their property
I am beautiful
I am worthy
I am cherished
This generational curse stops here.
For I am whole
I am whole
I am whole
My living Savior has made nothing into something
just as He has made me Whole.
I confess, I am painfully afraid of teenage girls.
This may come as a surprise, especially because of my increasing desire to pursue ministry and passion for mentorship. But I confess, teenage girls wig me out. Even when I was one, I struggled to connect, struggled to understand the brokenness with which I was exposed to in school, and struggled to understand dark, overwhelming places.
While pushing the envelope on my discomfort with teenage girls (which includes pre-teenies too), I have also discovered that within my own life, I have settled for less for far too long. SETTLED. It's an awful, soul mutilating thing todo.
I have settled for silence, I have settled for dysfunction, I have settled for lies, I have settled for low self esteem and self worth. I have sold myself short and in turn have bought into the the very idea that who I was made to be could never be enough. I have lived a life that lacks the reflection of truth.
"I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this." Psalm 139:14
I began to explore this whole idea/fear this summer when I ached from night till morning for the girls in my cabin. Somehow the girls I had been praying for since I was 15, the girls I had been longing for and waiting to hold were much more broken, messy and came from more dysfunction then I ever could have imagined. Overwhelmed that I had spent 5 years praying for young women who were spitting images of 15 year old me was an immediate wake up call. I was so tormented with the stories they'd share with me, how I could feel their souls longing for healing, their lack of self worth, how they settled for next to nothing and how each sold themselves to the master of deceit and lies. Just barely coming out of a backwards and dysfunctional relationship myself, I knew that I had to stop all the settling, the fear, and the negative self talk if I was ever going to reach these girls. If I was ever going to be authentic, not another person advising them while living in hypocrisy. The reality that I would have to be a force of change and reinforcement was intimidating and meant I had to reevaluate and completely change my whole way of thinking. Not just for the girls, but for myself, for the little girls that will be mine one day.
And after the realization of all the settling I've done, the haunting my girls left me with, processing through this past year of relationships, community and devotions, I am no longer a believer of the lies. I am done buying into a notion that has wrecked so many hearts. I suppose that is where the root of my fear of teenage girls begins and ends- the pain and reality of this world is all too real and close to home for me. I am scared the truth that I have to share wont reach the hard, bitter and abused hearts of our daughters. But that would be living in the house of fear, riddled with lies and bondage and again reinforcing the lie that the God who found me in a whirlwind of chaos and forever altered the course of my life, isn't a big enough God to save all who hurt and hunger.
I'm excited to live out this newfound declaration as I lead a small group of 5th grade girls every saturday night. My prayer as I begin leading is that I would be able to love wildly, forgive with abandon and always remember that all it takes is a moment for life to change. I pray that I will be present and that the words that leave my lips would always be true and uplifting.
In order to keep myself focused, I came up with mantra of atributes I hope to one day become and live out (forever a work in progress), I would encourage all my girls to come up with a list or mantra to read every morning- you'd be surprised at how encouraging and wonderful the reinforcement can be.
A woman of God has self control, this includes her actions the way she decides to react to her emotions as well as her tongue. She gleans from all situations, taking only the good and leaving the rest behind. She is patient in every situation and with all people. She accepts and believes in her salvation and lives in that freedom. A woman of God releases the past and lives fully in the moment, she is a creature of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. She no longer allows negative self talk root to in her heart, instead she rejoices in how unconditionally she is loved and how unmistakably perfect she is.
For my girls who always were willing to listen, believed in the power of change and sought to be real women of God. Your love is priceless and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you.
As a young girl I remember how exasperated I'd get over social injustice or the complexity of unfair circumstances that seemed to always swell up around the most undeserving of people. My mum had watched as my stubborn spirit brood for years over the unsatisfying question of "why?" She would often sigh softly and say, "Peanie, you can't save the whole world." And at her words I would fume and boil and my soul would scramble around trying to figure out ways to prove her statement incorrect.
But after years of wrestling with the world and its injustice, I have concluded that my mum was right and the brokenness of the world could never be healed by a single stubborn girl.
Recently (give or take a few months) I've taken an interest in the effects of porn and the injustice that I've found has taken all but a small part of who I used to be. Ignorance and a strong will to stick to my own business would have been a much more blissful path to have taken. But instead I'm breathless and broken by the innocence that porn has stolen from our young children, from our brothers, from our friends, from our fathers and from our families. The damage seems all too chaotic and extreme, my heart is jaded and angry.
I cried aloud to God in desperation. And found myself in the thick of a relationship poisoned by the very thing I swore would never invade.
I was so wrong and so naive.
I wonder why it is that women find freedom in selling themselves to an industry that sucks them dry, and I'm not just talking about the porn industry. I'm talking about the way we choose to dress, what parts of our body we accentuate, how eager and quick we are to give anything and everything away to the first person that shows us any attention. That industry my friends, fueled and run along side a generation addicted to pornography, wouldn't even know what freedom looked like if it was oozing all over them.
As a young woman, I try to fight the lies that I see and hear all around me. I try to compensate, convince, rationalize. But it is exhausting, overwhelming and for lack of better words, hard.
I just want to know how to heal from a world so rooted in brokenness.
How do we address our children?
How do we override the media and instill truth about body image, self worth and sexuality to a generation over connected?
How do we heal?
How do we move forward?
Andrew Joseph, just saying your name brings the biggest smile to my face.
I know it's no surprise to you, or anyone that knew me back in my prime teenage years that I absolutely adored your older brother. Miles and I had a friendship unlike anything I've ever experienced before, we were partners, sidekicks and loved to talk about anything and everything we could. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he was my best friend and no friendship has ever quite compared to what we shared. I can imagine you reading this right now, you're beyond uncomfortable. But trust me A.J., he's apart of our story in so many ways, though we don't talk about them. When the "real world" become our world, Miles and my friendship slowly became a bittersweet memory and I remember how my heart longed for us to tackle the world together again. But so much time passed and we grew, and grew until our days as Chop Pointers came to an end. Fortunately, I'm a woman of second chances, God willing A.J., our paths crossed and my second chance came knocking June 23, 2013, the day I met you. The 6 weeks we spent together was so healing to my soul, your honesty and authenticity about life and how you do things was so refreshing. Your questions, your jokes, your thoughtfulness and willingness to be a better YOU inspired me and still does. Some of my favorite moments with are our "What is love?" conversations and the slue of jokes that came with it. All of our ridiculously inappropriate dinner conversation, mostly you shaming me for my songs and outlandish behavior. When we decided that I was capable of baptizing the whole camp by myself (though I'm nowhere near ordained.) Our conversations and love for 'The Oh Hello's' and of course when sweet Frickster decided you and him should lay hands and pray over me.
A.J. I love you! I am so thankful I had the opportunity to be your counselor this past summer and be apart of you finding your relationship with Christ. I want you to know that I believe so much in you and your dreams. I want you to know that there is so much crap out in the world and so many people who want to bring you down and see you fail- but keep fighting. Being a Christian is freaking hard and its hard for men and its hard when you're young and its hard when you're new to the realness aspect of it. But keep fighting. My 5 years of walking has been anything but a walk in the park, but what it has been is transforming, worthwhile and full of vibrant young teenagers, like yourself. All this to say, thanks for giving me a second Gatrell chance, for laughing at my jokes and believing in the person that I want to be.
You are so incredibly special to me- can't wait for you to teach me how to sail, how to be a lifeguard, how to teach a real creative writing class but more importantly how to overcome my glitter addiction that has lead to a serious case of glitter lung...
(Remember that one time I was car sick/dehydrated so I was dropped off on the side of the road and started throwing up while everyone else went to free port? LOLOLOLOLOL that was this day.)
Lets be real for a moment- (we all know I love to get down to the heart of the matter...)
When I boarded my first plane to Maine, trailing two yellow suit cases and a pocket full of hand wipes, I never would have guessed this would be where I ended up. Sometimes I've thought, if I never walked off the plane in Portland, would I have ever discovered how broken my heart was? If I never saw how green the grass was, feeding from the Kennebec, would I have ever longed for freedom from the lies? If I had never fallen in love with the people and felt as though their dreams were my dreams, their pain, my pain, would I have ever really come face to face with the devil himself?
Truth is, I can't answer any of those questions, because I did walk off the airplane that warm June afternoon, I did see the green grass and fell so longingly in love with the people and their stories. I discovered how broken my heart was, how enslaved I was to the lies of my generation and in turn I found myself banging on the door of hell.
My story, began when God found me at 15.
I expected life would tame me years down the road. That I would grow into a poised, young christian woman, quiet in my ways and well respected. But what I found 5 summers ago was much more then a stereotype but a calling and transformation.
My transformation beckoned me back and I finally was granted the opportunity to be the lover, the messenger and the listening ear at my beloved Chop Point. Oh but this past summer was so painful. Adversity became my right hand man- divorce, lies, cancer, lies, the horrific ending of a relationship, lies and then if emotional warfare wasn't tough enough, I was called to a summer of pouring into teenagers. Everything I knew dissolved and the only thing I could cling to in my darkest moments was that Jesus knew what my pain felt like. He knew the feeling of not being enough. Some days my pain was so debilitating the only way I found to keeping on living was how unconditionally my kids loved me. They loved me for how broken I was, they saw the only good part of me, the God part of me and forgave all the human in me.
So many days all I could see was the 15 year old me reflected their eyes, I wondered if this was how I was loved as a camper- so imperfectly.
Returning to NOVA has been a journey in itself. The dark days came back to haunt me, the days that the devil sought me out when I didn't have the energy to fight back. But the point of this post and the point of where I am in life is that I am so grateful I found Christ 5 years ago. I am so grateful I know pain, heart break, that I am no longer naive, and that though my journey has been hard, full of pot holes and flat tires, I am still standing and more then ever want the dreams that God created me with. And let me be honest here- thats to love angsty, hipster, wild, creative, awkward, outkasted teenagers.
For so long I've been afraid of the Gospel, I've been afraid to tell my family and friends that I'm radically in love with Jesus, but I can't keep denying that God has pulled me up from all the murky mud hell so that I could be apart of the beautiful change our world needs. So THANK YOU children of my heart and soul for teaching me to believe like all of our lives depend on it.
I still clearly remember ringing 2012 in, singing Proud Mary triumphantly, ending the evening hopeful of romance, endless possibilities and adventure. I thought for hours on what resolutions I'd declare ever so boldly (on facebook, whomp whomp) and couldn't wait to be victorious in the new year. Among my resolutions were; read more novels, cuddle with my mum more, say I love you everyday, realize fear is ok, call my parents more, learn the constellations, drink tea, adore myself, change someones world, rediscover my faith, laugh till I ache and stay up till 5am more (or 4:30). I was impressed and excited- until shortly into the new year, it seemed as though I was dropping out of college, practically friendless and moving back home. Looking back, what better beginning to my redemptive year, then to start it with heartache, confusion and dark times.
With hopes of rediscovering my faith and changing just one persons world, I was about to encounter the greatest adventure, filled with better-then-fairytale-romance and possibilities that would never find an end. God was about to meet me where I was, broken down and full of self hate. He was going to take my fears of abandonment, my heart of sorrow and unfulfilled dreams and breathe me back life. Since, I have fallen more in love then I ever thought was imaginable.
Because I'm grumpy, mean after a mid-day nap, full of judgment towards weirdos at the airport and am often hostile and unwilling towards my parents, God decided to fill my life & heart with the laughter and selfless love of children, the companionship of a humble man and burning purpose and longing to find the apathetic, lonely, 15 year old suburban girl and call her mine, all mine.
And since, how could I have ever looked back? A few simple resolutions and bad days led me right back to NOVA where all along, my world had been growing up, refining and waiting for the moment that I was ready to quit playing it safe.
Now that it's 2013, I want to again begin with a resolution or two, in hopes that I'll be looking back next year in awe of the growth and adventure that life has taken.
Get messy- people rarely have lives that are clean cut and ordinary. Life is messy and loving messy people is extremely challenging. Get involved, be apart, be ok with messy.
Humble myself. I am so very prideful when it comes to food and taking care of myself- but its about time I humble up and accept the love and help.
