I'm not a feminist, I swear. I just really, really love women.

I love my mum, I adore her so very much. I love the way we laugh and how she makes me laugh and all the joy she brings to my life- this post is for my radiant mum, who I have inherited my cheeky mouth from. 

I come empty handed, baring nothing but Your truth and time and time again, it ignites a storm so much greater then I could have ever gathered... 

Legs crossed, elbows to knees, I peer over to the young men eagerly discussing their hopes in a trip to Las Vegas. Full of excitement they exclaim about the girls, you know, the ones who are naked and come in catalogues that you can purchase for an hour or two. Prostitutes. 

My palms begin to sweat. My stomach lurches to protect those women, all women.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" I ask, knowing that this guy has been going steady with his girl for at least 3 years. 

"Uh, yeah but.."

"But what? Do you have a girlfriend or not?" My heart begins to tangle around my most recent conversations with the women in my life. How I desperately try and refute the lies that they so readily believe and how I get it, I get it, I get it, I get why we as women live in so much self condemnation and agony. Partly because we are surrounded by men who are so lost and so broken and don't know the first thing about respect, and the other is we don't know how to accept true, pure and selfless love.

He barely notices my point, my meager attempt to defend the woman he so carelessly calls lover-

"Yeah but Vanessa's cool, you know..." Laughing off the awkwardness with his buddy, I sit wide eyed, I can't stop looking at them. I want to scream.

And as I think about the evening I still want to scream and it makes no sense in my mind to continue writing out the awful conversation or the disrespectful and misogynistic things that were spoken that evening. But it was horrific and disgusting and every single man that sat in that basement fell so short of honor, integrity, respect and courage that if they ever so thought to consider themselves 'real men' I would have gladly taken on the duty of informing them otherwise. Because a real man delights in respecting women and those around him. A real man honors and builds up others, he does not tear them down. A real man has enough courage to stand up and defend, to love sacrificially and admit when he has been wrong.

To my mother and my grandmothers and my aunts and the sisters in my life, my dear girl friends and young girls who are rising up to be women, YOU are worth so much more then the single-mindedness that an offensively large percentage of men hold- YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL in everything that you are. You deserve to be pursued, sought after and won over. You, a beautiful daughter of God deserve a man who is willing and ready to lay down is own life for you. You deserve better, you deserve more, you deserve wholeness and to be lifted up. You deserve laughter and tender care, moments filled with such pure love it makes your soul ache with happiness. 

Dear friends, do not go another day believing the broken theology of man- do not compare yourselves to the women who are sculpted from plastic. But instead ache for them and note that anyone who hates themselves so much they must become but a shadow of the masterpiece they once were, is hungry for the same thing you are. LOVE. Unconditional, radical, life altering LOVE. We all want to be accepted, to be told we are special and that we are loved by someone, anyone- so let us start now. Lets stop talking poorly about each others appearances, always comparing but instead realize that we are the movement of change. We apart of the movement that will heal a generation.

One of my favorite stories from the bible is when a woman caught sleeping with a man that wasn't her husband is dragged from the place she was and thrown at the foot of Jesus. The whole town watching, chanting for her demise- she lay there naked, ashamed, broken, embarrassed and abused. Desperately wanting to be loved and accepted, to find worth and wholeness in a culture that labeled her as an object of conquest.  But instead of throwing religious law at her, stoning her to death or reprimanding her, Jesus looked to her and found in her a beauty that took his breath away, a radiance that was unmistakable and a perfection that only God could create- he saw the cry of her heart. 

I wonder what our world would look like if we stopped to listen to the cry of the hearts around us. I myself am nothing like Christ, nowhere as forgiving, loving or wonderful, but lately I have tried to stop and listen to the cry of my sisters' hearts. What I feared I would hear and what resounds among all, are deep seeded lies, lies rooted in self worth, image, belonging, and love. How desperate my soul is for truth, revival and change. How desperate we all are for someone to hear us and assure us of our worth and purpose.

In these trying times of brokenness, I am ever grateful to know so unwaveringly the love my God has for me and EVERY SINGLE person on this planet, even the guys I began my post off with.


to be continued..

Lord knows I'm ready: more on porn, sex and lies.

I could crumble up and cry for days, soak in the pain that is seemingly ever-present
Fold into myself and try to whisper away the haunting reality of the world we live in
or maybe I could scream, running ramped through the streets begging for freedom for my brothers, freedom for my sisters.

I'd say my thoughts about sex and sexual encounters became skewed when I was 15. Darkness swept over me and silenced any cry of confusion my heart had- I was in a man's world, playing by man's rules. That was how it was for us, stumbling around trying to make sense of self worth and fitting in. A neighboring High School had a homemade club called the "Whore Four," I'm sure you can guess the requirements and how any school within 10 miles knew their names. Our school thought it would be cool too, and came up with a similar one, "P*ssy Posse," was their name. I tell you this because it was normal for my peers and I- we grew up in the dawn of sexting, dirty images flew about on our flip phones with grainy cameras. And this was just the beginning, sex tapes and threesomes riddled the hallways of my school and of course anyone who wanted a boyfriend had the hovering pressure and expectancy to be "experienced." Looking back, High School was really scary and confusing- no one talked to me about healthy sexuality or expectations. Of course my parents regulated what shirts showed too much cleavage and I was never allowed to wear high heels- there were unspoken "rules" or expectations, like don't sleep around or get a bad reputation. But we never talked about secret things, or when it was expectable to enter into an "intimate" relationship. I don't write any of this to slam my parents, that is not the case at all, navigating parenthood and teen years I can only imagine is a haul but I know that if I lived it, I can assume there are so many of you, too, who stumbled around when it came time to face the pressures of our hyper-sexualized world.

So what do we do with all that?  How do we send our pre-teens and teens off into a world that only 5 years later runs rapid with even more lies? Where do we truly begin to embark on the journey that leads to empowerment over oppression?

I recently read a blog post (which was the catalyst for my post) by one of my beloved teenagers, very courageously he wrote about his struggle with pornography and the pain it left him with, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and bondage. Weeping over his struggle and filled with a similar sense of hopelessness, I wonder and pray desperately for a generation corrupted by lies. Not only lies about sex but lies about WHO we are, lies about our value in this world and how much we are or aren't loved. 

You are worthy despite what anyone has told you- you are WHOLE. You are perfect and you are loved by perfect love. You are not hopeless, you are not destined to live in darkness or evil. God only wants to love you endlessly, fully. His favorite thing is to redeem us, to make us new all over again. You are worthy, you are worthy, so very worthy. 

Every week as I stand in line at the grocery store I fight the urge to let the lies take hold, while I channel surf, when I check my facebook, as I squash fat at the gym, the lies are always there inch-worming their way back and forth. And I fear its because there isn't enough dialogue in our day to day lives about insecurities, sexuality, struggles, pornography, addiction and self hate.  These things are targeting and torturing a subgroup of our population- wrecking their confidence and leaving them hopeless for death and numb on whatever gratifies them quickest.

I want to keep the door for this dialogue open, I want to keep talking about porn and self image because asking God to heal us or take away our thoughts isn't going to be what changes us- Its praying for accountability, for support, for the ability to be truly honest and face our fears, our demons, our pain. What will change our hearts and our lives is Jesus' sweet love and the help of a dedicated and determined community, ready to battle every last lie.

Lets do something that should of been done for us- lets talk, lets cry, lets dig up the bitter roots of deceit. Lord knows I'm so ready.  Are you?

Soccer Mum (in training): love is waiting.

While reading quietly to myself I was interrupted with... 
7 year old girl- "uh.. Do you even have a boyfriend?" 
Me- *nervous laugh* "no."
7 year old girl- "uh... um.. Why not? Aren't people your age supposed to have boyfriends by now?"
Me- "Well..you see.."
7 year old girl- "I mean, can't you just go ask some guy?"
Me- "Well uh.."
7 year old girl- "Jeeze it's not that hard... Just go ask SOMEONE, ANYONE!" *sighs and walks off*
5 year old boy- "at-least you're wearing cute jeans."
Me- ...

Three weeks later- 

It's my 5 year old's first day of soccer practice, so naturally I drop him off and find a sliver of shade to hide under while I wait for evening to come. The sun is warm and there are so many kindergarteners running around, laughing and learning how to properly handle a ball. I'm wrapping up a phone conversation with a mom about house sitting, stories from the week and what activities her girls are up to when I see the cutest 3 year old eye me up and down. We begin tossing back smiles until he cant stand it any longer and crawls right up to me, just then my 5 year old rushes back for a water break and gives me a big wet kiss on the lips. 

"Is that your brother?" I look up to find the grandmother of my new little friend peering at me with some confusion. 
"No, I'm his babysitter."
"Oh ok, I thought you must be too young to be a mother."
"At the moment yes, but I hope to be one soon!" 
"mhmm... do you have a guy to go with?"

here we go again.

"*nervous laugh* uh, no."
"Well, you're sure not gonna find a man round here! Where else do you work?"
"At a church in fairfax."
the woman nearly explodes with laughter
"Sweet thing, you need to hang out with me, I'll show you around, help you out."

Turns out older women and young children are eager to give advice and offer generous help when it comes to my personal life. I must be (or my ovaries) omitting off signs of being highly incapable of preforming such tasks, so thank goodness the faithful and duty oriented folks have come to my aid. 

In the midst of the humorous irony,  I'm thankful for soccer practice and conversations with grandma's on the sidelines- and for the record, I am pretty sure I was created with the sole purpose of being a soccer mum. The get up got me going and I was in complete bliss.  Some people could wait a lifetime but I can NOT wait for the day I have a handful of my own just for the sake of sloppy kisses and life advice. 

But the whole context of the situation got me thinking deeper then just my biological needs to reproduce- I have lots of thoughts on marriage (which I'll save for another post) and have heard many success stories and many failed ones too. I have watched parents get lost in the craziness that is parenting, become overwhelmed with marriages burdened by the pile up of daily stress and I've also seen the grace it takes to orchestrate amidst the chaos. I find myself in a unique place, an opportunity if you will, living in singleness, living amongst children and also walking life with teens. There is SO much to be learned on my end, I almost feel like a gleaning gluton as I take in all of the experiences. Its exciting really, that while I patiently wait for not only a extraordinary man but for my future children as well, I am learning the "do's and don'ts", what healthy relationships/communication/parenting looks like and how I can be the best I possibly can be for my future family. 

Makes the waiting less daunting and my empty belly less painful! :)

Brokenness Aside-

Last Saturday evening I was approached by a young girl about my age, her smile felt as though we'd known each other for years. "You're my sisters small group leader, right?" She then proceeded to tell me what impact I had made on her 10 year old sister in the 3 weeks I'd known her- how the realness and vulnerability I shared had got her sister thinking. My recent prayer in small group had been about divorce- I spoke out because I knew that one of my girls had to be going through the same thing if not already been through it. Low and behold this little one heard my soft-spoken request and though she didn't reside in a home divided by divorce, she told her sister, "I can't imagine how my leader can be here for us when she's going through that." The girl who approached me thanked me for talking about real life and told me that her sister really looked up to me. Upon hearing that, my heart overflowed. Working with 5th and 6th graders, there has been very little response, though I've been real with my girls every week, real in conversations, real in prayer and real in speaking truth about who they are. I am so encouraged that one of my girls recognized the Lord- that she heard and saw the power God has to heal, to give strength in weakness and to love even when it is painful. And my little 10 year old is so right- I can't imagine how I could be there for them either, if it wasn't for my constant soaking up and soaking in the redemption and love that has been freely given to me in such abundance.

Having conversations like that remind me why it is so important to be who we are, where we are- unashamed of the messiness, hurt and brokenness of our lives. So many times I've wished to be the product of a less complicated life but I'm growing into my messy skin, the stretch marks from growing pains and repairing of relationships. I am thankful that despite that, I still, each day am called again and again to ministry- called to truth and young people.

So, in turn, I've been looking into colleges where I can finish off my degree in something ministry related. I'd love, love, love to attend Moody Bible Institute but unfortunately I still feel called to the Northern Virginia area- a calling I've been trying to decipher for the last year (thats a whole different post.) But on the bright side there is a campus in Woodbridge that is out of Valley Forge Christian College that offers a degree in Ministry. I've got an appointment this Monday with admissions to talk about what it would like to attend in the spring. We will see what happens!

In the meantime, I have reconnected with an amazing gathering that happens weekly, which has off the hook worship and honest, real life talk. I forgot how Spirit full and Spirit led that ministry is and just from one service I am already feeling so much more in tune with the Holy Spirit. Tiffany will be moving to Virginia within the next couple of weeks and my heart is so full to live more life with her. We have decided swing dancing is going to be our go to thing and are looking into lessons. I'm digging my new college small group and am excited to grow and learn with this unique group of people. I was invited to a prophetic dance/worship service this weekend and can't wait to see what that will be like. Overall I've gleaned so much from this week, so many of the longings and prayers of my heart have been answered and are being answered. I am incredibly full, basking in the goodness and joy God brings. Despite how dark things are- the pain, confusion and brokenness, I am finding so much freedom and so much joy in this time of suffering.

God takes brokenness aside and makes us so beautiful.

Sweet spot-groovethang.

It's been about 4 months now since the catalyst for radical change invaded my life. The dark, overwhelming and doubting days of purpose and calling have faded out with the liberation of my fears and the belief I had in so many lies. The freedom to pursue God whenever, wherever and however I want without the confinements of a relationship that disapproves of uninhibited truth has left me full of awe. The weightlessness that resides on my shoulders is plenty, my burden is light and effortless. New habits have been born and my prayer life, devotion time and appreciation for the present moment have exceeded any positive thought I could have hoped to gain from rearranging my time.

Radically humbled by the goodness of grace.
Radically delivered from the fears of my past.
Radically called to serve a life of servanthood.
Radically devoted to the life breathing power the gospel has to offer.
Radically loved by Jesus and in turn ready to radically love. 

Unafraid of the future. Waiting patiently in The Lord. Because You love me God, I am secure.

Such a sweet
place to reside-

I am so confused: Where are the men?

Where do I even begin to try and broach the subject of Robin Thicke's new video Blurred Lines or Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball?

Thinking about either makes my stomach lurch with fear and sadness for the girls who are rising up to be women. What has the media done and what does it continue to do. Where are our standards? What are true and reasonable expectations? How can we not see the damage at work- 1 out of 4 girls is sexually abused by the age of 18. A large percentage are boyfriends offenders- a large percentage don't even understand or consider what happens to them to be abuse because of the "free" and "liberated" mentality 'we' as a culture live in.  The constant pressure to keep up and be relevant, to put out, get around and be experienced. To have big boobs, a small waist and a toned butt. To be willing to play into whatever fantasy is most erotic. To serve men in anyway possible so that we as young girls and women feel wanted, loved, WORTH something.

The sexual knowledge and pornographic access our kids and teens have overwhelms me.

The women dancing topless in nude thongs, the disgusting innuendo of what "blurred lines" are. (which plays so heavily into rape culture) Miley Cyrus seductively riding a wrecking ball, bra-less in a white tee and underwear and then naked. So easily accessed on youtube- no parental locks or "explicit content" warning- nothing.

This generation is so lost, broken, hungry for love and attention- we feed our souls with emptiness. As Miley says in her latest song, "All I wanted was to break your walls, all you ever did was break me."

Emptiness. Pain. Longing.

To me its no coincidence why divorce rates are up 50%, why sexual abuse is becoming more and more common among teen relationships, the eating disorder stats and as a whole, a depressed generation. Medicated by prozac, weed, alcohol, porn, self mutilation- the cry for help is gut wrenching.

I ask, I beg, I plead- where are the men who see this and are outraged? Where are the men who desperately want to fight these lies? Where are the fathers who have stood up and said NO.? Where are the men who love their sisters to much to watch them suffer?

I don't want to believe that they are few, far between and rare.  But I'm not sure I can say any different, so again, I ask, down on my knees- where are the good men, honest, true- the real men, the healers, the ones who seek justice, love and peace- where are the men who haven't been fooled by the lies?

Break Every Chain: I am Whole.

In dedication to the ones who wish to break free-

"If I were Whole"
May 2012

If I were whole
I'd stand a little taller
smooth out my spine
shake off my shoulders
each step I'd take would feel like dignity
my feet would be proud
of where we were going
my slumped over, broken shouldered, beat down bad posture- would be no longer.

Cause' if I were whole I'd stand with confidence
assured of my self worth- there'd never be another doubt.

And you see, the notion that I am a burden
would be demolished from my
pounding
paniked
poisoned heart.

The evidence would cease to exist
not even a memory to haunt me with.

If I were whole my infected sores of abandonment
would no longer seep and stain my blood
The confines of my veins would remain unscathed
This generational curse would stop here.

And my God, my God, my living Savior
If i were whole
I'd laugh, I'd forgive
I'd love, I'd breathe
I'd apologize, I'd live
with intent to break all the chains that have bound me to blindness-
hand and hand freedom would guide me

If I were whole
I'd stop selling myself short
cheapening my worth to a one night stand
I'd say to the men who
claim me
own me- work me like their property
I am beautiful
I am worthy
I am cherished
This generational curse stops here.

For I am whole
I am whole
I am whole

My living Savior has made nothing into something
just as He has made me Whole.

Confession: for my girls

I confess, I am painfully afraid of teenage girls. 

This may come as a surprise, especially because of my increasing desire to pursue ministry and passion for mentorship. But I confess, teenage girls wig me out. Even when I was one, I struggled to connect, struggled to understand the brokenness with which I was exposed to in school, and struggled to understand dark, overwhelming places.

While pushing the envelope on my discomfort with teenage girls (which includes pre-teenies too), I have also discovered that within my own life, I have settled for less for far too long. SETTLED. It's an awful, soul mutilating thing todo. 

I have settled for silence, I have settled for dysfunction, I have settled for lies, I have settled for low self esteem and self worth. I have sold myself short and in turn have bought into the the very idea that who I was made to be could never be enough. I have lived a life that lacks the reflection of truth.

"I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this." Psalm 139:14

I began to explore this whole idea/fear this summer when I ached from night till morning for the girls in my cabin. Somehow the girls I had been praying for since I was 15, the girls I had been longing for and waiting to hold were much more broken, messy and came from more dysfunction then I ever could have imagined. Overwhelmed that I had spent 5 years praying for young women who were spitting images of 15 year old me was an immediate wake up call. I was so tormented with the stories they'd share with me, how I could feel their souls longing for healing, their lack of self worth, how they settled for next to nothing and how each sold themselves to the master of deceit and lies. Just barely coming out of a backwards and dysfunctional relationship myself, I knew that I had to stop all the settling, the fear, and the negative self talk if I was ever going to reach these girls. If I was ever going to be authentic, not another person advising them while living in hypocrisy. The reality that I would have to be a force of change and reinforcement was intimidating and meant I had to reevaluate and completely change my whole way of thinking. Not just for the girls, but for myself, for the little girls that will be mine one day. 

And after the realization of all the settling I've done, the haunting my girls left me with, processing through this past year of relationships, community and devotions, I am no longer a believer of the lies. I am done buying into a notion that has wrecked so many hearts. I suppose that is where the root of my fear of teenage girls begins and ends- the pain and reality of this world is all too real and close to home for me.  I am scared the truth that I have to share wont reach the hard, bitter and abused hearts of our daughters. But that would be living in the house of fear, riddled with lies and bondage and again reinforcing the lie that the God who found me in a whirlwind of chaos and forever altered the course of my life, isn't a big enough God to save all who hurt and hunger. 

I'm excited to live out this newfound declaration as I lead a small group of 5th grade girls every saturday night. My prayer as I begin leading is that I would be able to love wildly, forgive with abandon and always remember that all it takes is a moment for life to change. I pray that I will be present and that the words that leave my lips would always be true and uplifting. 

In order to keep myself focused, I came up with mantra of atributes I hope to one day become and live out (forever a work in progress), I would encourage all my girls to come up with a list or mantra to read every morning- you'd be surprised at how encouraging and wonderful the reinforcement can be. 

A woman of God has self control, this includes her actions the way she decides to react to her emotions as well as her tongue. She gleans from all situations, taking only the good and leaving the rest behind. She is patient in every situation and with all people. She accepts and believes in her salvation and lives in that freedom. A woman of God releases the past and lives fully in the moment, she is a creature of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. She no longer allows negative self talk root to in her heart, instead she rejoices in how unconditionally she is loved and how unmistakably perfect she is. 

For my girls who always were willing to listen, believed in the power of change and sought to be real women of God. Your love is priceless and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you. 

My "How To" questions after porn.

As a young girl I remember how exasperated I'd get over social injustice or the complexity of unfair circumstances that seemed to always swell up around the most undeserving of people. My mum had watched as my stubborn spirit brood for years over the unsatisfying question of "why?" She would often sigh softly and say, "Peanie, you can't save the whole world." And at her words I would fume and boil and my soul would scramble around trying to figure out ways to prove her statement incorrect.

But after years of wrestling with the world and its injustice, I have concluded that my mum was right and the brokenness of the world could never be healed by a single stubborn girl.

Recently (give or take a few months) I've taken an interest in the effects of porn and the injustice that I've found has taken all but a small part of who I used to be. Ignorance and a strong will to stick to my own business would have been a much more blissful path to have taken. But instead I'm breathless and broken by the innocence that porn has stolen from our young children, from our brothers, from our friends, from our fathers and from our families. The damage seems all too chaotic and extreme, my heart is jaded and angry.

I cried aloud to God in desperation. And found myself in the thick of a relationship poisoned by the very thing I swore would never invade.

I was so wrong and so naive.

I wonder why it is that women find freedom in selling themselves to an industry that sucks them dry, and I'm not just talking about the porn industry. I'm talking about the way we choose to dress, what parts of our body we accentuate, how eager and quick we are to give anything and everything away to the first person that shows us any attention. That industry my friends, fueled and run along side a generation addicted to pornography, wouldn't even know what freedom looked like if it was oozing all over them.

As a young woman, I try to fight the lies that I see and hear all around me. I try to compensate, convince, rationalize. But it is exhausting, overwhelming and for lack of better words, hard.

I just want to know how to heal from a world so rooted in brokenness.
How do we address our children?
How do we override the media and instill truth about body image, self worth and sexuality to a generation over connected?
How do we heal?
How do we move forward?

a little blurb about my buddy A.J.

Andrew Joseph, just saying your name brings the biggest smile to my face.

I know it's no surprise to you, or anyone that knew me back in my prime teenage years that I absolutely adored your older brother. Miles and I had a friendship unlike anything I've ever experienced before, we were partners, sidekicks and loved to talk about anything and everything we could. He made me laugh, he made me cry, he was my best friend and no friendship has ever quite compared to what we shared. I can imagine you reading this right now, you're beyond uncomfortable. But trust me A.J., he's apart of our story in so many ways, though we don't talk about them. When the "real world" become our world, Miles and my friendship slowly became a bittersweet memory and I remember how my heart longed for us to tackle the world together again. But so much time passed and we grew, and grew until our days as Chop Pointers came to an end. Fortunately, I'm a woman of second chances, God willing A.J., our paths crossed and my second chance came knocking June 23, 2013, the day I met you.  The 6 weeks we spent together was so healing to my soul, your honesty and authenticity about life and how you do things was so refreshing. Your questions, your jokes, your thoughtfulness and willingness to be a better YOU inspired me and still does. Some of my favorite moments with are our "What is love?" conversations and the slue of jokes that came with it. All of our ridiculously inappropriate dinner conversation, mostly you shaming me for my songs and outlandish behavior. When we decided that I was capable of baptizing the whole camp by myself (though I'm nowhere near ordained.) Our conversations and love for 'The Oh Hello's' and of course when sweet Frickster decided you and him should lay hands and pray over me.

A.J. I love you! I am so thankful I had the opportunity to be your counselor this past summer and be apart of you finding your relationship with Christ. I want you to know that I believe so much in you and your dreams. I want you to know that there is so much crap out in the world and so many people who want to bring you down and see you fail- but keep fighting. Being a Christian is freaking hard and its hard for men and its hard when you're young and its hard when you're new to the realness aspect of it. But keep fighting. My 5 years of walking has been anything but a walk in the park, but what it has been is transforming, worthwhile and full of vibrant young teenagers, like yourself. All this to say, thanks for giving me a second Gatrell chance, for laughing at my jokes and believing in the person that I want to be.

You are so incredibly special to me- can't wait for you to teach me how to sail, how to be a lifeguard, how to teach a real creative writing class but more importantly how to overcome my glitter addiction that has lead to a serious case of glitter lung...

(Remember that one time I was car sick/dehydrated so I was dropped off on the side of the road and started throwing up while everyone else went to free port? LOLOLOLOLOL that was this day.)


All my love, all my heart- R

No order to the chaos- for my teenagers who loved me.

Lets be real for a moment- (we all know I love to get down to the heart of the matter...)

When I boarded my first plane to Maine, trailing two yellow suit cases and a pocket full of hand wipes, I never would have guessed this would be where I ended up. Sometimes I've thought,  if I never walked off the plane in Portland, would I have ever discovered how broken my heart was? If I never saw how green the grass was, feeding from the Kennebec, would I have ever longed for freedom from the lies? If I had never fallen in love with the people and felt as though their dreams were my dreams, their pain, my pain, would I have ever really come face to face with the devil himself? 

Truth is, I can't answer any of those questions, because I did walk off the airplane that warm June afternoon, I did see the green grass and fell so longingly in love with the people and their stories. I discovered how broken my heart was, how enslaved I was to the lies of my generation and in turn I found myself banging on the door of hell. 

My story, began when God found me at 15. 

I expected life would tame me years down the road. That I would grow into a poised, young christian woman, quiet in my ways and well respected. But what I found 5 summers ago was much more then a stereotype but a calling and transformation. 

My transformation beckoned me back and I finally was granted the opportunity to be the lover, the messenger and the listening ear at my beloved Chop Point.  Oh but this past summer was so painful. Adversity became my right hand man- divorce, lies, cancer, lies, the horrific ending of a relationship, lies and then if emotional warfare wasn't tough enough, I was called to a summer of pouring into teenagers. Everything I knew dissolved and the only thing I could cling to in my darkest moments was that Jesus knew what my pain felt like. He knew the feeling of not being enough. Some days my pain was so debilitating the only way I found to keeping on living was how unconditionally my kids loved me. They loved me for how broken I was, they saw the only good part of me, the God part of me and forgave all the human in me.   

So many days all I could see was the 15 year old me reflected their eyes, I wondered if this was how I was loved as a camper- so imperfectly. 

Returning to NOVA has been a journey in itself. The dark days came back to haunt me, the days that the devil sought me out when I didn't have the energy to fight back. But the point of this post and the point of where I am in life is that I am so grateful I found Christ 5 years ago. I am so grateful I know pain, heart break, that I am no longer naive, and that though my journey has been hard, full of pot holes and flat tires, I am still standing and more then ever want the dreams that God created me with. And let me be honest here- thats to love angsty, hipster, wild, creative, awkward, outkasted teenagers. 

For so long I've been afraid of the Gospel, I've been afraid to tell my family and friends that I'm radically in love with Jesus, but I can't keep denying that God has pulled me up from all the murky mud hell so that I could be apart of the beautiful change our world needs. So THANK YOU children of my heart and soul for teaching me to believe like all of our lives depend on it.

Goodbye 2012

I still clearly remember ringing 2012 in, singing Proud Mary triumphantly, ending the evening hopeful of romance, endless possibilities and adventure. I thought for hours on what resolutions I'd declare ever so boldly (on facebook, whomp whomp) and couldn't wait to be victorious in the new year. Among my resolutions were; read more novels, cuddle with my mum more, say I love you everyday, realize fear is ok, call my parents more, learn the constellations, drink tea, adore myself, change someones world, rediscover my faith, laugh till I ache and stay up till 5am more (or 4:30). I was impressed and excited- until shortly into the new year, it seemed as though I was dropping out of college, practically friendless and moving back home. Looking back, what better beginning to my redemptive year, then to start it with heartache, confusion and dark times.

With hopes of rediscovering my faith and changing just one persons world, I was about to encounter the greatest adventure, filled with better-then-fairytale-romance and possibilities that would never find an end. God was about to meet me where I was, broken down and full of self hate. He was going to take my fears of abandonment, my heart of sorrow and unfulfilled dreams and breathe me back life. Since, I have fallen more in love then I ever thought was imaginable.

Because I'm grumpy, mean after a mid-day nap, full of judgment towards weirdos at the airport and am often hostile and unwilling towards my parents, God decided to fill my life & heart with the laughter and selfless love of children, the companionship of a humble man and burning purpose and longing to find the apathetic, lonely, 15 year old suburban girl and call her mine, all mine.

And since, how could I have ever looked back? A few simple resolutions and bad days led me right back to NOVA where all along, my world had been growing up, refining and waiting for the moment that I was ready to quit playing it safe.

Now that it's 2013, I want to again begin with a resolution or two, in hopes that I'll be looking back next year in awe of the growth and adventure that life has taken.

1. Get messy- people rarely have lives that are clean cut and ordinary. Life is messy and loving messy people is extremely challenging. Get involved, be apart, be ok with messy.
2. Humble myself. I am so very prideful when it comes to food and taking care of myself- but its about time I humble up and accept the love and help.
3. Be. More. Intentional. 
4. Take myself less seriously- chill out. 

Just a few of some photos from 2012 :)