Confession: for my girls

I confess, I am painfully afraid of teenage girls. 

This may come as a surprise, especially because of my increasing desire to pursue ministry and passion for mentorship. But I confess, teenage girls wig me out. Even when I was one, I struggled to connect, struggled to understand the brokenness with which I was exposed to in school, and struggled to understand dark, overwhelming places.

While pushing the envelope on my discomfort with teenage girls (which includes pre-teenies too), I have also discovered that within my own life, I have settled for less for far too long. SETTLED. It's an awful, soul mutilating thing todo. 

I have settled for silence, I have settled for dysfunction, I have settled for lies, I have settled for low self esteem and self worth. I have sold myself short and in turn have bought into the the very idea that who I was made to be could never be enough. I have lived a life that lacks the reflection of truth.

"I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this." Psalm 139:14

I began to explore this whole idea/fear this summer when I ached from night till morning for the girls in my cabin. Somehow the girls I had been praying for since I was 15, the girls I had been longing for and waiting to hold were much more broken, messy and came from more dysfunction then I ever could have imagined. Overwhelmed that I had spent 5 years praying for young women who were spitting images of 15 year old me was an immediate wake up call. I was so tormented with the stories they'd share with me, how I could feel their souls longing for healing, their lack of self worth, how they settled for next to nothing and how each sold themselves to the master of deceit and lies. Just barely coming out of a backwards and dysfunctional relationship myself, I knew that I had to stop all the settling, the fear, and the negative self talk if I was ever going to reach these girls. If I was ever going to be authentic, not another person advising them while living in hypocrisy. The reality that I would have to be a force of change and reinforcement was intimidating and meant I had to reevaluate and completely change my whole way of thinking. Not just for the girls, but for myself, for the little girls that will be mine one day. 

And after the realization of all the settling I've done, the haunting my girls left me with, processing through this past year of relationships, community and devotions, I am no longer a believer of the lies. I am done buying into a notion that has wrecked so many hearts. I suppose that is where the root of my fear of teenage girls begins and ends- the pain and reality of this world is all too real and close to home for me.  I am scared the truth that I have to share wont reach the hard, bitter and abused hearts of our daughters. But that would be living in the house of fear, riddled with lies and bondage and again reinforcing the lie that the God who found me in a whirlwind of chaos and forever altered the course of my life, isn't a big enough God to save all who hurt and hunger. 

I'm excited to live out this newfound declaration as I lead a small group of 5th grade girls every saturday night. My prayer as I begin leading is that I would be able to love wildly, forgive with abandon and always remember that all it takes is a moment for life to change. I pray that I will be present and that the words that leave my lips would always be true and uplifting. 

In order to keep myself focused, I came up with mantra of atributes I hope to one day become and live out (forever a work in progress), I would encourage all my girls to come up with a list or mantra to read every morning- you'd be surprised at how encouraging and wonderful the reinforcement can be. 

A woman of God has self control, this includes her actions the way she decides to react to her emotions as well as her tongue. She gleans from all situations, taking only the good and leaving the rest behind. She is patient in every situation and with all people. She accepts and believes in her salvation and lives in that freedom. A woman of God releases the past and lives fully in the moment, she is a creature of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. She no longer allows negative self talk root to in her heart, instead she rejoices in how unconditionally she is loved and how unmistakably perfect she is. 

For my girls who always were willing to listen, believed in the power of change and sought to be real women of God. Your love is priceless and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you.