Lord knows I'm ready: more on porn, sex and lies.

I could crumble up and cry for days, soak in the pain that is seemingly ever-present
Fold into myself and try to whisper away the haunting reality of the world we live in
or maybe I could scream, running ramped through the streets begging for freedom for my brothers, freedom for my sisters.

I'd say my thoughts about sex and sexual encounters became skewed when I was 15. Darkness swept over me and silenced any cry of confusion my heart had- I was in a man's world, playing by man's rules. That was how it was for us, stumbling around trying to make sense of self worth and fitting in. A neighboring High School had a homemade club called the "Whore Four," I'm sure you can guess the requirements and how any school within 10 miles knew their names. Our school thought it would be cool too, and came up with a similar one, "P*ssy Posse," was their name. I tell you this because it was normal for my peers and I- we grew up in the dawn of sexting, dirty images flew about on our flip phones with grainy cameras. And this was just the beginning, sex tapes and threesomes riddled the hallways of my school and of course anyone who wanted a boyfriend had the hovering pressure and expectancy to be "experienced." Looking back, High School was really scary and confusing- no one talked to me about healthy sexuality or expectations. Of course my parents regulated what shirts showed too much cleavage and I was never allowed to wear high heels- there were unspoken "rules" or expectations, like don't sleep around or get a bad reputation. But we never talked about secret things, or when it was expectable to enter into an "intimate" relationship. I don't write any of this to slam my parents, that is not the case at all, navigating parenthood and teen years I can only imagine is a haul but I know that if I lived it, I can assume there are so many of you, too, who stumbled around when it came time to face the pressures of our hyper-sexualized world.

So what do we do with all that?  How do we send our pre-teens and teens off into a world that only 5 years later runs rapid with even more lies? Where do we truly begin to embark on the journey that leads to empowerment over oppression?

I recently read a blog post (which was the catalyst for my post) by one of my beloved teenagers, very courageously he wrote about his struggle with pornography and the pain it left him with, the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and bondage. Weeping over his struggle and filled with a similar sense of hopelessness, I wonder and pray desperately for a generation corrupted by lies. Not only lies about sex but lies about WHO we are, lies about our value in this world and how much we are or aren't loved. 

You are worthy despite what anyone has told you- you are WHOLE. You are perfect and you are loved by perfect love. You are not hopeless, you are not destined to live in darkness or evil. God only wants to love you endlessly, fully. His favorite thing is to redeem us, to make us new all over again. You are worthy, you are worthy, so very worthy. 

Every week as I stand in line at the grocery store I fight the urge to let the lies take hold, while I channel surf, when I check my facebook, as I squash fat at the gym, the lies are always there inch-worming their way back and forth. And I fear its because there isn't enough dialogue in our day to day lives about insecurities, sexuality, struggles, pornography, addiction and self hate.  These things are targeting and torturing a subgroup of our population- wrecking their confidence and leaving them hopeless for death and numb on whatever gratifies them quickest.

I want to keep the door for this dialogue open, I want to keep talking about porn and self image because asking God to heal us or take away our thoughts isn't going to be what changes us- Its praying for accountability, for support, for the ability to be truly honest and face our fears, our demons, our pain. What will change our hearts and our lives is Jesus' sweet love and the help of a dedicated and determined community, ready to battle every last lie.

Lets do something that should of been done for us- lets talk, lets cry, lets dig up the bitter roots of deceit. Lord knows I'm so ready.  Are you?

Soccer Mum (in training): love is waiting.

While reading quietly to myself I was interrupted with... 
7 year old girl- "uh.. Do you even have a boyfriend?" 
Me- *nervous laugh* "no."
7 year old girl- "uh... um.. Why not? Aren't people your age supposed to have boyfriends by now?"
Me- "Well..you see.."
7 year old girl- "I mean, can't you just go ask some guy?"
Me- "Well uh.."
7 year old girl- "Jeeze it's not that hard... Just go ask SOMEONE, ANYONE!" *sighs and walks off*
5 year old boy- "at-least you're wearing cute jeans."
Me- ...

Three weeks later- 

It's my 5 year old's first day of soccer practice, so naturally I drop him off and find a sliver of shade to hide under while I wait for evening to come. The sun is warm and there are so many kindergarteners running around, laughing and learning how to properly handle a ball. I'm wrapping up a phone conversation with a mom about house sitting, stories from the week and what activities her girls are up to when I see the cutest 3 year old eye me up and down. We begin tossing back smiles until he cant stand it any longer and crawls right up to me, just then my 5 year old rushes back for a water break and gives me a big wet kiss on the lips. 

"Is that your brother?" I look up to find the grandmother of my new little friend peering at me with some confusion. 
"No, I'm his babysitter."
"Oh ok, I thought you must be too young to be a mother."
"At the moment yes, but I hope to be one soon!" 
"mhmm... do you have a guy to go with?"

here we go again.

"*nervous laugh* uh, no."
"Well, you're sure not gonna find a man round here! Where else do you work?"
"At a church in fairfax."
the woman nearly explodes with laughter
"Sweet thing, you need to hang out with me, I'll show you around, help you out."

Turns out older women and young children are eager to give advice and offer generous help when it comes to my personal life. I must be (or my ovaries) omitting off signs of being highly incapable of preforming such tasks, so thank goodness the faithful and duty oriented folks have come to my aid. 

In the midst of the humorous irony,  I'm thankful for soccer practice and conversations with grandma's on the sidelines- and for the record, I am pretty sure I was created with the sole purpose of being a soccer mum. The get up got me going and I was in complete bliss.  Some people could wait a lifetime but I can NOT wait for the day I have a handful of my own just for the sake of sloppy kisses and life advice. 

But the whole context of the situation got me thinking deeper then just my biological needs to reproduce- I have lots of thoughts on marriage (which I'll save for another post) and have heard many success stories and many failed ones too. I have watched parents get lost in the craziness that is parenting, become overwhelmed with marriages burdened by the pile up of daily stress and I've also seen the grace it takes to orchestrate amidst the chaos. I find myself in a unique place, an opportunity if you will, living in singleness, living amongst children and also walking life with teens. There is SO much to be learned on my end, I almost feel like a gleaning gluton as I take in all of the experiences. Its exciting really, that while I patiently wait for not only a extraordinary man but for my future children as well, I am learning the "do's and don'ts", what healthy relationships/communication/parenting looks like and how I can be the best I possibly can be for my future family. 

Makes the waiting less daunting and my empty belly less painful! :)

Brokenness Aside-

Last Saturday evening I was approached by a young girl about my age, her smile felt as though we'd known each other for years. "You're my sisters small group leader, right?" She then proceeded to tell me what impact I had made on her 10 year old sister in the 3 weeks I'd known her- how the realness and vulnerability I shared had got her sister thinking. My recent prayer in small group had been about divorce- I spoke out because I knew that one of my girls had to be going through the same thing if not already been through it. Low and behold this little one heard my soft-spoken request and though she didn't reside in a home divided by divorce, she told her sister, "I can't imagine how my leader can be here for us when she's going through that." The girl who approached me thanked me for talking about real life and told me that her sister really looked up to me. Upon hearing that, my heart overflowed. Working with 5th and 6th graders, there has been very little response, though I've been real with my girls every week, real in conversations, real in prayer and real in speaking truth about who they are. I am so encouraged that one of my girls recognized the Lord- that she heard and saw the power God has to heal, to give strength in weakness and to love even when it is painful. And my little 10 year old is so right- I can't imagine how I could be there for them either, if it wasn't for my constant soaking up and soaking in the redemption and love that has been freely given to me in such abundance.

Having conversations like that remind me why it is so important to be who we are, where we are- unashamed of the messiness, hurt and brokenness of our lives. So many times I've wished to be the product of a less complicated life but I'm growing into my messy skin, the stretch marks from growing pains and repairing of relationships. I am thankful that despite that, I still, each day am called again and again to ministry- called to truth and young people.

So, in turn, I've been looking into colleges where I can finish off my degree in something ministry related. I'd love, love, love to attend Moody Bible Institute but unfortunately I still feel called to the Northern Virginia area- a calling I've been trying to decipher for the last year (thats a whole different post.) But on the bright side there is a campus in Woodbridge that is out of Valley Forge Christian College that offers a degree in Ministry. I've got an appointment this Monday with admissions to talk about what it would like to attend in the spring. We will see what happens!

In the meantime, I have reconnected with an amazing gathering that happens weekly, which has off the hook worship and honest, real life talk. I forgot how Spirit full and Spirit led that ministry is and just from one service I am already feeling so much more in tune with the Holy Spirit. Tiffany will be moving to Virginia within the next couple of weeks and my heart is so full to live more life with her. We have decided swing dancing is going to be our go to thing and are looking into lessons. I'm digging my new college small group and am excited to grow and learn with this unique group of people. I was invited to a prophetic dance/worship service this weekend and can't wait to see what that will be like. Overall I've gleaned so much from this week, so many of the longings and prayers of my heart have been answered and are being answered. I am incredibly full, basking in the goodness and joy God brings. Despite how dark things are- the pain, confusion and brokenness, I am finding so much freedom and so much joy in this time of suffering.

God takes brokenness aside and makes us so beautiful.

Sweet spot-groovethang.

It's been about 4 months now since the catalyst for radical change invaded my life. The dark, overwhelming and doubting days of purpose and calling have faded out with the liberation of my fears and the belief I had in so many lies. The freedom to pursue God whenever, wherever and however I want without the confinements of a relationship that disapproves of uninhibited truth has left me full of awe. The weightlessness that resides on my shoulders is plenty, my burden is light and effortless. New habits have been born and my prayer life, devotion time and appreciation for the present moment have exceeded any positive thought I could have hoped to gain from rearranging my time.

Radically humbled by the goodness of grace.
Radically delivered from the fears of my past.
Radically called to serve a life of servanthood.
Radically devoted to the life breathing power the gospel has to offer.
Radically loved by Jesus and in turn ready to radically love. 

Unafraid of the future. Waiting patiently in The Lord. Because You love me God, I am secure.

Such a sweet
place to reside-

I am so confused: Where are the men?

Where do I even begin to try and broach the subject of Robin Thicke's new video Blurred Lines or Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball?

Thinking about either makes my stomach lurch with fear and sadness for the girls who are rising up to be women. What has the media done and what does it continue to do. Where are our standards? What are true and reasonable expectations? How can we not see the damage at work- 1 out of 4 girls is sexually abused by the age of 18. A large percentage are boyfriends offenders- a large percentage don't even understand or consider what happens to them to be abuse because of the "free" and "liberated" mentality 'we' as a culture live in.  The constant pressure to keep up and be relevant, to put out, get around and be experienced. To have big boobs, a small waist and a toned butt. To be willing to play into whatever fantasy is most erotic. To serve men in anyway possible so that we as young girls and women feel wanted, loved, WORTH something.

The sexual knowledge and pornographic access our kids and teens have overwhelms me.

The women dancing topless in nude thongs, the disgusting innuendo of what "blurred lines" are. (which plays so heavily into rape culture) Miley Cyrus seductively riding a wrecking ball, bra-less in a white tee and underwear and then naked. So easily accessed on youtube- no parental locks or "explicit content" warning- nothing.

This generation is so lost, broken, hungry for love and attention- we feed our souls with emptiness. As Miley says in her latest song, "All I wanted was to break your walls, all you ever did was break me."

Emptiness. Pain. Longing.

To me its no coincidence why divorce rates are up 50%, why sexual abuse is becoming more and more common among teen relationships, the eating disorder stats and as a whole, a depressed generation. Medicated by prozac, weed, alcohol, porn, self mutilation- the cry for help is gut wrenching.

I ask, I beg, I plead- where are the men who see this and are outraged? Where are the men who desperately want to fight these lies? Where are the fathers who have stood up and said NO.? Where are the men who love their sisters to much to watch them suffer?

I don't want to believe that they are few, far between and rare.  But I'm not sure I can say any different, so again, I ask, down on my knees- where are the good men, honest, true- the real men, the healers, the ones who seek justice, love and peace- where are the men who haven't been fooled by the lies?

Break Every Chain: I am Whole.

In dedication to the ones who wish to break free-

"If I were Whole"
May 2012

If I were whole
I'd stand a little taller
smooth out my spine
shake off my shoulders
each step I'd take would feel like dignity
my feet would be proud
of where we were going
my slumped over, broken shouldered, beat down bad posture- would be no longer.

Cause' if I were whole I'd stand with confidence
assured of my self worth- there'd never be another doubt.

And you see, the notion that I am a burden
would be demolished from my
pounding
paniked
poisoned heart.

The evidence would cease to exist
not even a memory to haunt me with.

If I were whole my infected sores of abandonment
would no longer seep and stain my blood
The confines of my veins would remain unscathed
This generational curse would stop here.

And my God, my God, my living Savior
If i were whole
I'd laugh, I'd forgive
I'd love, I'd breathe
I'd apologize, I'd live
with intent to break all the chains that have bound me to blindness-
hand and hand freedom would guide me

If I were whole
I'd stop selling myself short
cheapening my worth to a one night stand
I'd say to the men who
claim me
own me- work me like their property
I am beautiful
I am worthy
I am cherished
This generational curse stops here.

For I am whole
I am whole
I am whole

My living Savior has made nothing into something
just as He has made me Whole.

Confession: for my girls

I confess, I am painfully afraid of teenage girls. 

This may come as a surprise, especially because of my increasing desire to pursue ministry and passion for mentorship. But I confess, teenage girls wig me out. Even when I was one, I struggled to connect, struggled to understand the brokenness with which I was exposed to in school, and struggled to understand dark, overwhelming places.

While pushing the envelope on my discomfort with teenage girls (which includes pre-teenies too), I have also discovered that within my own life, I have settled for less for far too long. SETTLED. It's an awful, soul mutilating thing todo. 

I have settled for silence, I have settled for dysfunction, I have settled for lies, I have settled for low self esteem and self worth. I have sold myself short and in turn have bought into the the very idea that who I was made to be could never be enough. I have lived a life that lacks the reflection of truth.

"I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this." Psalm 139:14

I began to explore this whole idea/fear this summer when I ached from night till morning for the girls in my cabin. Somehow the girls I had been praying for since I was 15, the girls I had been longing for and waiting to hold were much more broken, messy and came from more dysfunction then I ever could have imagined. Overwhelmed that I had spent 5 years praying for young women who were spitting images of 15 year old me was an immediate wake up call. I was so tormented with the stories they'd share with me, how I could feel their souls longing for healing, their lack of self worth, how they settled for next to nothing and how each sold themselves to the master of deceit and lies. Just barely coming out of a backwards and dysfunctional relationship myself, I knew that I had to stop all the settling, the fear, and the negative self talk if I was ever going to reach these girls. If I was ever going to be authentic, not another person advising them while living in hypocrisy. The reality that I would have to be a force of change and reinforcement was intimidating and meant I had to reevaluate and completely change my whole way of thinking. Not just for the girls, but for myself, for the little girls that will be mine one day. 

And after the realization of all the settling I've done, the haunting my girls left me with, processing through this past year of relationships, community and devotions, I am no longer a believer of the lies. I am done buying into a notion that has wrecked so many hearts. I suppose that is where the root of my fear of teenage girls begins and ends- the pain and reality of this world is all too real and close to home for me.  I am scared the truth that I have to share wont reach the hard, bitter and abused hearts of our daughters. But that would be living in the house of fear, riddled with lies and bondage and again reinforcing the lie that the God who found me in a whirlwind of chaos and forever altered the course of my life, isn't a big enough God to save all who hurt and hunger. 

I'm excited to live out this newfound declaration as I lead a small group of 5th grade girls every saturday night. My prayer as I begin leading is that I would be able to love wildly, forgive with abandon and always remember that all it takes is a moment for life to change. I pray that I will be present and that the words that leave my lips would always be true and uplifting. 

In order to keep myself focused, I came up with mantra of atributes I hope to one day become and live out (forever a work in progress), I would encourage all my girls to come up with a list or mantra to read every morning- you'd be surprised at how encouraging and wonderful the reinforcement can be. 

A woman of God has self control, this includes her actions the way she decides to react to her emotions as well as her tongue. She gleans from all situations, taking only the good and leaving the rest behind. She is patient in every situation and with all people. She accepts and believes in her salvation and lives in that freedom. A woman of God releases the past and lives fully in the moment, she is a creature of compassion, understanding and forgiveness. She no longer allows negative self talk root to in her heart, instead she rejoices in how unconditionally she is loved and how unmistakably perfect she is. 

For my girls who always were willing to listen, believed in the power of change and sought to be real women of God. Your love is priceless and I am so thankful for each and everyone of you.